Scott Wegener is a multi award-winning creative writer who believes in looking on the lighter side of life’s predicaments but still values how serious life is. This site features a wide variety of Scott's published and performed works. If you want to use any of these pieces, or commission something origional, contact Scott Wegener

Nov 22, 2008

What is God's email address?


You may be surprised to hear that God has an email address—many in fact. Every evening, He checks His email after the dishes are done.

His very first email address was <God@trinity.hv>. There is also a <Jesus@trinity.hv> and <HolySpirit@trinity.hv>.

Due to spam, God now also has: <universemaster@creators.uv>, <admin@earth.mw>, <ok_giver@help.me>, <i_am@i_ am.iam>, <shepard1@flock.baa> and <smarty_pants@mensa.com>. Email accounts God has closed down include: <info@ ceremoniallaw.bc> and <repent@thefloodiscoming.doom>.

God’s current personal email address, for Trinitarian use only, is <love.rules77@gmail.com>.

God uses an Apple PC laptop He bought from the future after they merged. It has a 2.6 zettabyte processor, more RAM than at an Israelite “forgiveness fest” and 144,000 hard drives that are 12 yottabytes (to the power of seven tredecillion) each in storage capacity. His screen has a resolution of 1024 quintillion by 768 quintillion, and the total thickness of the laptop is .5mm.

When docked to His throne’s desktop, He uses a cordless lightning mouse with a heat-resistant asbestos 2.0 mouse mat (not dangerous like the asbestos 1.0 version) and has a centillion DPI 3-D printer.

He has an F1-smart internet connection that loads everything one day into the future before it is wanted.

God has been into computing since He was a boy, when He enjoyed pulling them apart to see how they worked. His first programming effort was a simple program that wrote “hello world” across the universe with the stars.

His favourite game, before The Sims series came out, was Tetris. Hours of practice proved to be very handy when it was time to build the New Jerusalem, which is one big cube.

“Book of Life” is the social networking system He spends hours on and always has the instant messaging system “Prayer Live” running.

Did you know: God sold the 'Gmail' domain (originally standing for God mail) to Google in 2004 for an undisclosed amount of money. It is reported to have funded the creation of several solar systems in a universe called “Botszealand.”

Nov 1, 2008

The Pathfinder Memory Folder

Performance: Victorian Pathfinder Rally Day, 2008
The brief given to Scott: A play that showcases the year's memorable Pathfinder activities 

Cast:
•    PF - Pathfinder (curious and initially cautious)
•    CON - Conscience (Cheerful, obliging)
•    MM - Memory mime (over enthusiastic mime actor)

[PF is walking across stage and a warning buzzer goes off causing them to freeze on the spot.]

Con: [calls out with authority]
 “memory full, please free up some memory, say ‘Ok’ to continue.”
PF: OK? . . .
[looks confused and starts moving again] Where am I?
[Con makes his way to PF]
Con: This is your memory.
[Stretches arms out and spins around slowly as if pleased with the place]

Oct 18, 2008

Why is popping bubble wrap so much fun?


Bubble wrap has been around since Creation. It was found in the Garden of Eden, used in particular to protect the fruit on the tree of knowledge of good and evil from Adam and Eve. Unfortunately, it actually ended up tempting Eve to come closer to pop the bubble wrap and thus drew attention to the fruit.

Some theologians say almost everything in the Garden of Eden was wrapped in bubble wrap so nothing could get damaged and no-one could get hurt. When sin came along, the bubble wrap was confiscated.

Bubble wrap was also used on Noah’s ark to protect the woolly mammoths and handpainted periwinkles. Uzza spent months insisting the Ark of the Covenant needed bubble wrapping for its transportation, and the pyramids were delivered preconstructed, wrapped in bubble wrap.

But why do we enjoy popping bubble wrap so much?

Psychologists say it relates back to childhood. The less our parents praised us as a child, the more we enjoy popping bubble wrap. Popping bubble wrap gives an instant pop of praise and congratulation, leading to a feeling of achievement.

But sociologists say the bubble bursting is because we just want to be like everyone else. Society tells us that popping bubble wrap is fun and if you don’t enjoy it, you won’t fit in with everyone else who pops bubble wrap.

Popping bubble wrap is possibly bigger than you think. The fear of popping bubble wrap is called “popphobia,” while those who are addicted to it are known as “poppaholics.” Those who study bubble wrap popping are known as “poppologists,” who study “poppology.”

There are world bubble-wrap popping tours but these tours obviously steer clear of the 13 countries where it is illegal to pop bubble wrap.

Interesting Fact: If we took all the bubble wrap on Earth to Mars and popped it, there would be enough air released into the atmosphere to allow a city of 1 million people to live for 37 seconds.

Aug 16, 2008

How do you know if you are a prophet?

The Edge, August 16, 2008

Many people are at a loss to know if they are a prophet.

However, there are some simple tests to know if you have made it to prophet status or are a plain old dreamer.

Recognising Disconcerting Visions or Dreams (DVDs) is one way to spot your propheteering attributes. Basically, a real DVD should make no sense at all but burn itself into your memory.

For example, a regular dream might involve seeing yourself meeting Mickey Mouse, while a DVD would involve seeing yourself meeting Mickey Mouse, who has a head of gold that is covered in horns, and is ironing his clay shoes while singing a Rolling Stones song.

Other signs that you’re a certified prophet include these common symptoms:
  • When you are writing, a voice in your head points out most spelling, grammatical and factual errors.
  • Everyone you curse out loud gets attacked by bears.
  • The song Chariots of Fire runs through your head when you see a plane fly over.
  • Senior people continually quote you out of context in aid of rebuking young people.
  • You know lottery numbers in advance but your stance against gambling means you never buy a ticket.
  • Almost everyone doesn’t appreciate your advice, which is always confronting but right.
  • All TV, movies, books, sermons, sports and “who done it”evenings are tediously predictable.
  • Every time you think about avoiding a task that comes to mind, you suddenly smell rotting fish and feel a little sea sick.

If any of the above are a part of your life, congratulations— you’re most likely a prophet. If not, we’re sorry but daydreaming is not tax deductable for you.

Having now read all this, we have inspired you to become a prophet—don’t call God, He’ll call you! 

Interesting Fact: If you are a prophet then ... well ... you know the rest.

Jul 2, 2008

Air Rage

Being quick to judge is rarely beneficial. Scott Wegener shares a window of learning in his experience.
Signs of the Times, July 2008
Aussie Stories, 2009
Aussie Stories for Blokes, 2013

Should a plane I’m in lose its wings and start to plummet to earth, I’d probably exclaim, “Wow, this is much better than ‘zooming’ on Google Earth!”

Because of my love of aerial photos, the opportunity to fly always brings an un-normal urgency to secure a window seat. One time, this urge brought out an uglier side of me I didn’t know existed.


Jun 21, 2008

What is the will of God?

The Edge, June 21, 2008

For some, this is the ultimate question. People would pay a fortune to know and be a part of the will of God. What these people fail to realise is God is never going to die! So what does it matter what’s in God’s will? However, if God were to die, just to satisfy the askee, this is what God would leave to his children:

  • 1447 “Instant Galaxy Mix” sachets
  • 77,712 pallet loads of “Gravity in a Box”
  • 707 KWs of “Lightning in a Can”
  • 712 “Let there be Light”TM bulbs of various apparent magnitudes 
  • One giant “Heaven Army Knife”—recently sharpened
  • 127 kilometres of aluminium foil
  • 12,144 tons of gold pavers
  • The only copy of the billion-page Book Of Life (made out of 100 per cent recycled paper) The entire collection of Weet-Bix collector card sets
  • A BMW M12
  • 2324 robes of light
  • 4648 slippers of light
  • The complete Gaither Homecoming HeavenRay-disk collection
  • The number 42
  • Seven never-been-used, gold plated, monogrammed hankies 
  • Three “always existed” certificates
  • A 12-player foosball table
  • 4040 angels at command
  • 12 “holiday” universes
  • Heaven (complete with BIW’s and LUG)
  • One manna fondue set

Liabilities:

  1. You must remember to pick up earth’s humans, give them an extreme makeover and bring them home to heaven.
  2. You must later relocate them back to earth, after giving earth a serious Backyard Blitz, and house them—happily ever after.
  3. Run all the other universes
  4. Tell a children’s story once a quarter.

Interesting Fact: None of God’s assets are covered by insurance if damaged by Himself.

Apr 23, 2008

Know it? Do it!

Imagine a world that studied and lived by Jesus’ teachings.

CQ, April 23, 2008
HOW-TO
Ps. 18:30

To have a positive effect on this world, Jesus’ teachings cannot merely be acknowledged and left to gather dust.They must be acted upon. So how can we act upon Jesus’ teachings to change ourselves, others, and the world for the better?

Apr 19, 2008

What is truth? And how does it relate to potatoes?


While this question was made famous by Pilate, it is the motto of “Scott’s Silly Answers”—as you’ll soon see.
Jesus says “I am the way, the truth and the life,” however, those who choose not to believe Him use the “DaTruth Code” to discover an alternate answer.

The code is as follows:

It is said “The truth hurts” and the one thing most commonly referred to as hurting is childbirth.
Childbirth has a connection with the “birds and the bees” and bees make honey, which is sticky. Sticky tape is an alternative to Blu-Tack, which, on appearance, not taste, can be substituted with bubblegum.
Bubbles are created by dishwashing detergent, and a lot of detergent is needed when washing pots where soup has burnt onto the bottom. Soup is often served at church lunches, which is a “godsend” after a long sermon.
Often people can be found sleeping during long sermons, and there are many people in the world who snore while sleeping.
"It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring” is a saying we’ve all heard, and is closely linked to the clue about it “raining cats and dogs.” Cats and dogs don’t get along, often fighting, and those who fight for a profession are called firefighters.
Fires are most commonly started by matches and you must strike a match to get fire. Tenpin bowling’s most desired outcome is a strike, where 10 pins are knocked down in one shot.
This points to humans, having 10 fingers and 10 toes, totalling 20. Now 20 divided by X = Y and “why?” is the question most often asked by small children—and they are notorious for filling their nappies with something resembling pumpkin soup.
Pumpkin is a popular vegetable but slightly less so than potatoes, which most people desire in one form or another, just like truth.
Thus, truth is a potato.

Frustrating Fact: This sentence is a lie.

Feb 16, 2008

Is it lawful to swim on the Sabbath?


The argument in favour of swimming on Sabbath has gathered buoyancy in recent years but people can still be found rowing over the issue.

The little-known book of Nemo—which for some reason didn’t make it into the Bible—has 10 Swimandments. This most likely explains where the regulations for sacred swimming have come from, as the Bible isn’t specific in specifically specifying any specifications.

The 10 Swimandments are as follows:

  1. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 30oC but only up to thy ankles.
  2. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 35oC but only up to thy knees.
  3. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 40oC but only up to thy waist.
  4. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 45oC but only up to thy neck.
  5. Thou can swim to save thyself if thou accidentally falleth into a lake, ocean, river or wall of water. However, thou shalt not fall in accidentally-on-purpose.
  6. Thou can swim to save a manservant or maidservant who falleth into a lake, ocean, river or wall of water but thou shalt not cause thy manservant or maidservant to fall in.
  7. Thou canst swim if thou art being baptised in five feet of water and art only four feet tall.
  8. Thou canst swim if thy snorkelling does not include intentions to catch and devour anything with a cloven fin.
  9. Thou shalt not throw objects, splash, race or chase when in the water.
  10. Thou shalt not squeal, laugh or smile while in water - Sabbath swimming is only ever for emergency or medicinal purposes.

Other passages found in the book of Nemo include prophecies of yellow submarines on rails, people selling rainwater in bottles and heaven having a huge outdoor pool with a 10-kilometre waterslide.

Fact: People who police Sabbath swimming rules are referred to as "lifesavers”.

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