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Feb 28, 2009

What's the worst that can happen?

The Edge, February 28, 2009

If you have ever been compelled to do something but hesitated because of unknown consequences, let me put you at ease by sharing the worst-case scenario of any situation.

The moment you partake in the activity of mystery, a person of overenthusiastic lawfulness will tackle you to the ground, breaking your leg and ear bones, and zapping you repeatedly with their electric cattle prod keyring until police arrive.

The police throw you in their car, bumping your head on the exhaust pipe on the way in.

After spending 40 days in a cell with six deodorant-deprived TV gameshow hosts—who give commentary about every single moment of the day, and stress how important every decision is—you are given your one phone call.

The call is answered by your partner’s mother, who comes down to sort things out—only she proceeds to tell the officers other crimes you’ve committed, mistaking your life with the person in the crime novel she’s been reading—Vicious Felonies.

Thus the police upgrade your holding cell to a one-metre octangular cell, which is infested with leeches and is starting to fill with acid from the bottom, while spikes are lowering from the roof and air from Rotorua, NZ, fills the cell.

A pastoral visit from the prison chaplain gives you an irrefutable revelation that the Bible was wrong and every single human being will burn forever and ever in a fiery hell, except Jesus, who was the only one to fulfil prophecy correctly.

Added to all this, your original wrongdoing had started a chain-reactive virus that tickles the entire world’s human, animal and plant life to a slow and hilarious death.

At this time you wake up to realise this was all a dream but then find out you are a prophet and this is merely a vision of how your day will turn out.

Interesting Fact: Things could have been worse for Job. If he had become unemployed at the same time all the bad stuff was happening to him he would have also lost his name!


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