Scott Wegener is a multi award-winning creative writer who believes in looking on the lighter side of life’s predicaments but still values how serious life is. This site features a wide variety of Scott's published and performed works. If you want to use any of these pieces, or commission something origional, contact Scott Wegener

Jan 4, 2011

Camporee's (Silly) Survival Tips

2011 Australia Union Conference Pathfinder (like scouts) Camporee Newsletter
Surviving a Long Parade
1.       Bring some tent poles and ropes to help secure yourself in the standing position.
2.       If a fly is bothering you and you can't move your hands, flex the muscles behind your hairs, the ones that power your goose bumps, and swat it that way when it lands on you.
3.       Need to go to toilet, dismiss yourself, and march to behind the parade marshals as if you have an important duty to perform, and when out of site, run for a tree!
4.       If it’s a hot day, put an open water bottle in your hat beforehand, hold your head high but when you want a drink tilt it forward and let it run down your noes and catch it with tongue.
5.       If you can feel your Leg falling asleep, cough loudly to wake it up.
6.       If hungry, search around your teeth for any bits of food missed by your toothbrush. If you haven't brushed your teeth, the nice thing to do is share with those around you.
7.       If you can't tell which foot you're meant to be on when marching to or from parade, just hop continuously and you'll be right at least half the time.


Sunburn Survival
1.       Try wearing socks that are so long you can attach them to your hat with pegs.
2.       An umbrella is impractical to carry around while participating in activities, so get someone  to follow you around with one.
3.       Travel at the speed of light away from the sun at all times.
4.       Always stand in the shade, even at night time.
5.       Wear a full-length deep-sea wetsuit or a space suit, whichever you packed.
6.       A sombrero is a great option unless there is high wind. Gluing velcro to your hat and head will help in a windy situation.
7.       Wearing sunglasses is recommend, though don't let it tempt you to look directly at the sun or it may take it as a ‘challenge of superiority’ and send even more UV rays at you.
8.       3D glasses increase the harmful effect of the sun and should not be warn outside.

Surviving Snoring
1.       Put your head in your travel bag and zip it up, make sure you unzip it for each breath.
2.       Put all the t-shirts you brought on up-side-down so they come around your neck and cover your face and ears.
3.       Play some opera or heavy metal music on your iPod ( whatever you hate most) and the snoring will then be less annoying.
4.       Count the snorts, like counting sheep, but picture pigs jumping a fence.
5.       Cut some of your hair and put it in your ears, old people grow hair in their ears and they can't hear very well.
6.       Start beat boxing, with the others in your tent who can't sleep, in time with the snoring.
7.       Think back to when you were in your mothers womb and the strange sounds you slept through then.

Surviving Midnight Mozzies
1.       Put a “do not disturb” sign on your forehead.
2.       Play some high pitch violin music so the mozzie thinks the territory is already taken.
3.       Eat a raw onion and feel sick to take your mind off the bites.
4.       Hide in your sleeping bag and use a straw, with a fly screen over the end of it, for fresh air.
5.       Suck the mozzies blood before he takes yours.
6.       Spread marmite on your body like you do sunscreen.
7.       Put a Mars mozzie trap plant by your tent door.

Surviving Dishes Duty
1.       Ask the leader who put you on dishes duty if they lost weight, or that you like their hair and you may get taken off the roster.
2.       Amputate both your hands.
3.       Buy take away for the whole club on you turn.
4.       Trade your birthright inheritance for the dishes duty.
5.       Convince the leaders to have the club fast on your dishes duty day.
6.       Put up flyers and draw attention to the fact that stage 7 water restrictions are in force and no dishes can be done.
7.       Find a Bible text that forbids kids to wash dishes during a camp.

Shower Survival
1.       If the hot water runs out, catch some in your hands and rub it together quickly to make it warm.
2.       To get in the front of the shower queue don't shower for a month beforehand.
3.       To keep clean between the showers and your camp, wear a second layer of clothing which can be discarded on returning to camp.
4.       If the water in your shower has low pressure, tell the water that if it doesn't come out stronger you'll catch it and use it to wash dirty pots in, that will put pressure on the water.
5.       If you forget your towel, try and spin dry yourself, like an ice skater spinning.
6.       If you forget to bring some clean underwear, wear the ‘soiled’ pair again, but inside out. If you forget again, where them back-to-front, and again inside out and back to front, and again . . . well, start from normal again.
7.       If you forget to bring deodorant, try a thin layer of toothpaste.

Surviving the Long Trip Home
1.       See if you can remember the order and content of every meal and activity and put it in a diary. When you get home read it to whoever asks what you did at Camporee.
2.       Figure out what was the best and worst part of Camporee for when people ask, funniest too.
3.       Write a story song about the Camporee to be performed at church
4.       Count car colours and see who can guess the top three most popular colours. The prize is  starting in king position in a game of down ball when you return and are waiting for the trailer with the luggage to arrive.
5.       Think of an animal, person, place and object in the Bible starting with every letter of the alphabet
6.       Sing the pathfinder theme song as a group, see who’s tough enough to be the last person to stop singing it.
7.       Consider how much money you will send to Scott for such invaluable survival suggestions throughout the Camporee.

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