Scott Wegener is a multi award-winning creative writer who believes in looking on the lighter side of life’s predicaments but still values how serious life is. This site features a wide variety of Scott's published and performed works. If you want to use any of these pieces, or commission something origional, contact Scott Wegener

Apr 1, 2012

Cutting Board Facts

The following silliness was written for a "Virtual Cutting Board" iPhone app Scott released in April 2012.

Whether you call them “cutting boards”, “chopping boards” or “the flat thingy you divide food up on”, a cutting board can be found in every kitchen that has one.

Chopping boards have been around since they were invented and can be bought in any shop that sells them. (You’ll find them in the isle with the items that are displayed next to them.)

Cutting boards are part of a large family, whose members include iron, surf, white, black, card, circuit, pin, chess, bulletin, diving, wake, snow and I’m.

The largest chopping board ever created was bigger than the second largest ever created.

The world record for the smallest chopping board is yet to be seen.



Though chopping boards can be of any material that they are made out of, physicists acknowledge that they are heavier than the speed of sound and if heated will be warmer than before.

There is such a wide variety of colours that can be found in the rainbow, but chopping boards them self will not be found in rainbows.

The ancient Pyramids of Egypt may or may not have been built with the aid of chopping boards, it depends on whether they were used or not to whether they were actually used.

It might be thought that Stonehenge was built as a set of giant chopping boards to be used for giant bananas that have been genetically modified to be the size of a very, very large bananas.

Both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are thought to have been able to of owned at least one cutting board in the peak of their careers and, if so, were probable used to cut apples and lemons.

Though seen in hundreds of movies, cutting boards are yet to win an Oscar. 

Generally speaking, cutting boards prefer to be cremated, possibly to avoid confusion at the funeral viewing.
To keep reading about chopping boards, go back to the top of this screen.

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