HOST: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to ‘Lakeside Love’ the game show where we try and find someone willing to love you.
Before we get to our contestants, let’s meet this week’s love specialists!
[walk in and line up]
FILL-EE-YA: Hello, My name is FILL-EE-YA, and I love all the people around me, my friends, people in my church, or people in need.
If you’re someone who deserves some love… I give my love to you!
STOR-GAY: Hello, my name is STOR-GAY, and I love anyone in my family. I love my mum and dad. I love my grandparents, and I love my brother and sister.
If you’re in my family – I give my love to you.
AIR-ROSS: Hello, My name is AIR-ROSS, and I love people who look beautiful, people I’d love to hug and kiss, *mowa mowa mowa*!!.
If you’re very attractive, baby, I give my love to you. [slowly rises eyebrows twice]
AH-GAR-PAY: Hello, My name is AH-GAR-PAY, and I love everyone - no matter what. Friends, family, rich or poor, Pastors and politicians, Friends or Foes, People who are naughty, people who are nice, and even people who like pineapple on pizza.
If you’re anyone at all, I give my love to you.
HOST: Thank you love specialists
For those watching, this game is quite simple, we bring in contestants one by one, and trying and find a love specialist who will offer to be loving towards them in the future. If a love specialist is willing to love them they must simply hold up their heart.
Let’s meet our first contestant
This man is a librarian, who goes geocaching on the weekends. Who is willing to love them?
[FILL-EE-YA & AH-GAR-PAY raise heart]
HOST: FILL-EE-YA, you have your love heart up. Why is that?
FILL-EE-YA: I love everyone who deserves it. A librarian seems to be a job that is helpful to people, so why not.
HOST: And AH-GAR-PAY, you also held your love heart up, why is that?
AH-GAR-PAY: I love everyone.
HOST: Ok, fair enough. STOR-GAY, no love heart from you?
STOR-GAY: No. You’re probably a nice person but I don’t think I’m related to you, so…sorry.
HOST: And AIR-ROSS, no love heart from you?
AIR-ROSS: Nope, not cute enough for me.
HOST: Thank you contestant one. Congratulations we found two love matches for you.
Now to meet our second contestant
This is a school teacher. A smart teacher but gives out more detentions than any other teacher in the school. Who is willing to love them?
[STOR-GAY & AH-GAR-PAY raise heart]
STOR-GAY, you’ve held up your love heart, why is that?
STOR-GAY: It’s my aunty! Hi aunty Rachel
HOST: Of course, STOR-GAY, our specialist who loves family members.
AH-GAR-PAY, you also held your love heart up, why is that.
AH-GAR-PAY: I love everyone.
HOST: Ok, fair enough.
FILL-EE-YA, you didn’t put your love heart up? I though you loved everyone too.
FILL-EE-YA: Nope, not if their unfairly handing out too much homework, not getting my love - otherwise I would.
HOST: And AIR-ROSS, no love heart from you?
AIR-ROSS: Nope. Ugly.
HOST: Ok, at least you’re honest.
Ok then, thankyou contestant two. Congratulations we found two love matches for you also.
Let’s meet our third contestant.
This is a model from France who, while winning many beauty contests, once used a garden hose on a homeless person across the street from her house. Who is willing to love them?
[AIR-ROSS & AH-GAR-PAY raise heart]
AIR-ROSS, you’ve raised your love heart this time
AIR-ROSS: Oh-la-la, yes I have.
HOST: And why is that?
AIR-ROSS: Why, wouldn’t you? I mean, look at them!
HOST: Ok. Now, FILL-EE-YA, you didn’t put your love heart up, you don’t’ think they’re cute?
FILL-EE-YA: If they are hosing homeless people, they are not getting any love from me.
HOST: And STOR-GAY? No love heart from you?
STOR-GAY: Nope, I don’t have any relations in France.
HOST: And AH-GAR-PAY, you held your love heart up, even after their bad treatment of the homeless person? Why is that.
AH-GAR-PAY: I love everyone.
HOST: Of course!
Our fourth contestant on our show has been on this show on six occasions,
[contestant walks in and whacks each love specialities on the way past]
But they have never had a love match previously. Perhaps this is your day today!
[mutters] unlikely.
So, this contestant calls people names, he borrows stuff but never gives it back, he punches people in the playground when the teachers aren’t around, and he steals lunches off children. I don’t know why I even bother anymore - especially after punching our love specialists on the way past – but here we are. Who is willing to love this person?
[quickly and without bothering to look at the love specialist to notice AH-GAR-PAY has their heart up]
No one, obviously. So, I’m sorry, again no one has their love heart up and admitting they are willing to love you. [to audience]
[if kids call out there IS one, react to them, else, if there are no kids calling out “there is one” the host holds their ear as if the producer is radioing to them that there IS someone with their heart held up]
There is??? [looks around] AH-GAR-PAY?! Are you serious? Why are you willing to love this awful person.
AH-GAR-PAY: I love everyone.
HOST: AH-GAR-PAY you have shown love to all our contestants.
AH-GAR-PAY: That’s right.
AIR-ROSS: Crazy! The only reason to love someone is if they are… attractive, [slowly rises eyebrows twice]
STOR-GAY: No no, They have to be family to love them,
FILL-EE-YA: No you guys, EVERYONE who is lovable can be loved, but they have to deserve it! But you, AH-GAR-PAY , you love even those who don’t deserve it. Why??
AH-GAR-PAY: Because that’s how Jesus loves me, and you. Even though we often don’t deserve to be loved, Jesus loves us. And he wants us to love others just like he loves us.
FILL-EE-YA: So, you really do love everyone?
AH-GAR-PAY: Yep
STOR-GAY: Everyone?
AH-GAR-PAY: Yep
AIR-ROSS: Everyone?
AH-GAR-PAY: Yep
HOST: Well then, this show just got a whole lot easier!
What about this guy [new contestant comes in] He never says please or thank you
AH-GAR-PAY: Love them
HOST: And this one, they never answer their parents with more than one word when they get home from school?
AH-GAR-PAY: Love them
HOST: What about this guy [new contestant come sin] he barracks for the marons in stare of origin.
AH-GAR-PAY: Love them
HOST: And what about all the rest of our contestants, send them all in! [everyone else enters] This one doesn’t eat their salad at dinner. This one doesn’t brush their teeth, this one doesn’t put their dirty socks in the wash, that one has a habit of picking their nose, that one lies all the time, and this one make the carpet dirty by forgetting to remove their shoes. You love ALL these kids?
AH-GAR-PAY: Always! [holds up heart shaped hands 🫶]
FILL-EE-YA: Because Jesus loves you?
AH-GAR-PAY: Always! [holds up heart shaped hands 🫶]
STOR-GAY: So, Jesus loves me?
AH-GAR-PAY: Always [holds up heart shaped hands 🫶]
AIR-ROSS: So then, you love me?
AH-GAR-PAY: Always [holds up heart shaped hands 🫶]
FILL-EE-YA: Even though I sometimes say nasty things about you, you love me?
AH-GAR-PAY: Always [holds up heart shaped hands 🫶]
STOR-GAY: Even though I’m not your family member, you love me?
AH-GAR-PAY: Always [holds up heart shaped hands 🫶]
AIR-ROSS: Even though you’re not attracted to me. You love me?
AH-GAR-PAY: Always. [holds up heart shaped hands 🫶]
HOST: Well, that’s our show for tonight, and it seems everyone has found love today.
If only everyone loved like Jesus with AH-GAR-PAY’s love, because Jesus loves you… Always. [all cast holds up heart shaped hands 🫶]
Goodnight.
PRESENTATION: TBA