Scott Wegener is a multi award-winning creative writer who believes in looking on the lighter side of life’s predicaments but still values how serious life is. This site features a wide variety of Scott's published and performed works. If you want to use any of these pieces, or commission something origional, contact Scott Wegener

Sep 23, 2006

Winner: Item or feature that shows most originality

The Australasian Religious Press Association awarded Scott's column, "Scott's Silly Answers" the 2006 "Item or feature that shows most originality"

Yes, we’re being serious here.
The Edge won the Australasian Religious Press Association (ARPA) award for “Item or feature that shows most originality” for Scott’s Silly Answers, a column written by Scott Wegener that provides ridiculous answers to the pressing questions of life.
The award was presented at the annual ARPA Conference, held this year in Adelaide from August 11 to 13.
Scott’s Silly Answers was introduced in the 50th issue of The Edge and replaced the “My Opinion” section. So far, he’s answered questions like why God created mosquitos, how many Weet-Bix it takes to change a light bulb and why toast always lands Marmite-side down.
Mr Wegener says, “I question the merit in being deemed ‘most original’–isn’t that really the judges saying, ‘This has the least resemblance of all the quality work we have been judging’? I’m not sure if I should be offended or delighted. If it’s a good thing, then I am delighted to have been able to help The Edge stand out and be recognised in having gone where no religious publication has reasoned to be a rational place to go.
“However, if it’s a bad thing, then I am deeply offended by having this award hurled at me and The Edge and will gather the rest of my thoughts currently floating somewhere outside the proverbial square and shove them in a box immediately.”

How long is a piece of string?

The Edge, September 23, 2006

This question is usually thrown back at someone to indicate that something can’t be given a definitive answer. But some satisfactory response can actually be given. “Twice half its length,” “measure it and find out,” “don’t go avoiding the topic” and “I asked first,” to name a few.

Theoretically string does have the potential to be an infinite length. Once you reach the end of one piece you can always tie on another and the two become one (no, not in the biblical sense, although, where does string come from?).
This means the piece of string is limited only by the dimensions of the universe. Because the universe does not actually have an end, a piece of string therefore has no limit to its length.

Speaking of space and string, a Mr Ballast Ring once set out to connect the Moon with the Earth via a piece of string. After several years, he was almost there when his stepmother-in-law, Mrs T Wine, came over while he was at work and “most helpfully” rolled it up again—he was understandably ropeable when he got home!

His project, done on a shoestring budget I might add, had many purposes:

1. A cheap form of communication (with Nutolene cans on each end) so astronauts could call their wives to say if they’ll be home late.

2. To make sure the Moon no longer floats out into space (Earth gets a new moon every month—costs us a fortune!).

3. A clothes line for ET’s undies—should he buy some to wear (he could also use it to “phone home”).

Back in Old Testament times, string was used as a weapon of mass destruction (before cotton balls were discovered).

Later on, its use was better realised as an alarm clock—with one end of the string tied to your big toe, a length was unravelled according to what time you wanted to be alerted, then the end furthest from your toe is lit. You’ll know when time’s up!

And now for the definitive answer: string is 20 minutes long—give or take an hour.

Interesting fact: Earth’s first attempt to communicate with outer space was via carrier pigeon. It didn’t work.

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