Scott Wegener is a multi award-winning creative writer who believes in looking on the lighter side of life’s predicaments but still values how serious life is. This site features a wide variety of Scott's published and performed works. If you want to use any of these pieces, or commission something origional, contact Scott Wegener

Jun 26, 2016

Antique Rowena Show

Performed for Rowena's 90th Birthday Celebration 
Performed by Host Rachel, Experts David and Scott, and Guests Wes, Ally, Dennis and Carla.
Written by Scott Wegener

[Antique Road Show TV them plays while tables are setup and actors come up]

Host: Today the Antique Rowena Show visits Nunawading. Roughly translated to mean ‘Come together’ Nunawading is a suburb indeed where people come have come together. Today people from far and wise have gathered together to examine some most exquisite possessions found in a unit, not too far from here.
Now, let’s join our experts and see what treasure we come across today.



* Expert, inspecting a hand painted vase:· This is a wonderful piece, how long have you had this for? Do you know what it is used for?

Guest: Um, to hold flowers?

Expert: Well, it does LOOK like a vase to hold flowers doesn't it, and you would probably see flowers in it all the time, but if you look at the brush strokes, you'll see there’s a knit stroke, there’s a pearl stroke, a knit, pearl and so on. Now this gives us a big clue.
And if you look around the rim, you’ll see little tiny fibres of wool.  And if we put our hand in the vase, there could....be.... yes! There is some wool in here, as expected.
Essentially, what you have here is a wool safe.  These were used back during the war and the ladies didn't want the Germans to take away their wool so they hid it in what looks like a vase - wool in the bottom and flowers on top .  
While there were a lot of atrocities in the war, having someone steal wool really would have been enough to cast one into balling their eyes out..
Now, as for value, if it were an ordinary Vase, you’d be lucky to get 50 to 60 pounds for this. But because it’s a wool safe, you’re looking at around 2 to 300 pounds.
It’s a wonderful item indeed. I suggest you take it home, and keep it…safe. Hawhawhawhaw or dear me….


* Expert, inspecting a small lace item:  What have we here? My, this is an excellent example of the creators fine lacing skills. Look at the intricate detail, It’s such a pity the moths have caused so many Holes. Tell me, where did you find it?

Guest: I found it in a jacket pocket just the other day.

Expert:  I suspect this was once a table cloth, but after going through the wash, such lacework is know to shrink dramatically. Now if you hold this up to the light, like this, you will want to make sure you are wearing deodorant as you’ll expose your underarms in doing so. Now, one might think such a tiny table cloth, is not worth particularly much, But they are actually extremely useful as a handkerchief. And what are handkerchiefs most commonly used for?
Guest: Um, blowing your nose?

Host: Yes that’s one reason, but if you have children, it’s a wonderful, wonderful item to lick and clean your child’s face.
Now, I can tell by the ware in the corner, this mother probably had 4 or so children, most of whom were boys as it’s quite worn down on the corners from all the licking.
What’s it worth? Being clean, 20 pounds. If it had an authentic snobble in it, from the creator of this item, it could be worth as much as 30 to 40 thousand pounds at auction.

Guest: Oh wow! I’ll never wash it again. That’s wonderful, thank you.


* Expert holds a bedpan: What an amazing object. Do you know what this is?

Guest: Not officially, I just liked to fill it with warm water and put my feet in it during winter.

Expert: You’re close, it is for warm liquid. But not for your feet. It’s actually for your head. You fill it with hot water and stick it on your head and it keeps it warm while you go about your daily business.What’s it worth? When they make these, they do them in runs, and when the manufacture has the runs going on all day and all night, you can expect that de-values a solid price. Unfortunately so many were trotted out, it value is right at the bottom of the market. I’m sorry to say.


* Expert hold a pair of false teeth: Oh my, how wonderful are these! Tell me, where did you get these.

Guest: Well, I was having lunch at my grandma’s house one day and I was drinking a glass of water in her bathroom and I found these at the bottom of my glass.

Expert: Well, what a remarkable story. On closer look, you can tell this person liked to tell stories, from the tongue rub marks on the back of the front teeth. And they were also a fan of what looks like Nutolene roles, if you look closely between the teeth. These truly are wonderful, tell me, have you tried using them at all?

Guest: I have, but it was rather uncomfortable – but there were kind of minty flavoured.

Expert: These are truly exquisite. It’s so rare to find a pair of these which are not being used. Did you know there is a way to find out who these belong to?

Guest: No?

Expert: All you have to do is lightly tap them together and if it’s someone you know, you’ll be able to recognise their sound, just like someone’s voice. Let’s try. [clacks teeth together]

Guest: Hey yeah! That sound's like Grandma!

Expert: As for a value, look, they aren’t worth particularly much, but as for sentimental value, to be able to had these down and have your children, and their children’s children being able to click your grandmother’s teeth for generations to come, how could you put a price on that.


Host: Well, that’s all we have time for this week on Antique Rowena Show. Until next time. Bye bye.

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