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Nov 28, 2009

Where on earth do all the missing socks go?

 The Edge/RECORD , November 28, 2009
Many of you probably have some socks lying around that no longer have a partner. Today’s sad reality is that one in 10 socks have a falling out and cannot reconcile their differences.
Being trodden on by your stinking feet all day is a high-pressure job and it often negatively affects a sock’s family life. This pressure can lead them to decide to go their separate ways—usually one sock will remain behind while the other sock seeks a new life elsewhere.
How does this happen?
During the spin cycle of your washing load, a sock can edge its way up and over the top of the machine. As it is flying at such a great speed, the molecules that make up the sock are in a “frenzied” state, meaning it can literally travel through a wall.
If you ran fast enough at a wall, you too would travel through it—though only try this in hospital emergency wards. Once outside, socks—like leeches—catch lifts on anything that moves past, from dogs to snails.
Another way of escape is from a washing basket. Socks will work their way to the top or a crack in the basket and, when near an open door or ducted heating vent, make a jump for it.
Also, if socks are drying near a heater, they can become “hot air socks” and float away.
You might have noticed socks falling on the ground from your clothes horse. That’s an unsuccessful attempt at a flight to freedom.
One other way in which socks try to escape is creeping down your foot and, when completely off the end of your foot, making a jump from your shoe.
This all brings an important issue to light. If you notice a sock that creeps down your foot, drops off a clothes horse or falls out of a clothes basket, take this as a signal that this pair of socks needs counselling.
Perhaps you can save their pairing.

Fact: Socks were first worn with sandals after languages were confused at the Tower of Babel.
This is an indication that fashion was also confused at the time.

Sep 12, 2009

What’s an excuse for not finishing my homework?

The Edge, September 12, 2009

There may come a time when you completely forget about an assignment and require a plausible excuse to stop your teacher from putting you in the naughty corner.

While I’m not suggesting you lie, I’d like to perhaps help jog your memory as to the reason you may have forgotten about the assignment, as forgetting why you forgot is something you’d rather forget, right? So here’s 10 possible reasons that may be applicable to your predicament:
  1. Your dog ate your cat, who had eaten your fish, who had eaten a Post-It note that was a reminder to do the assignment.
  2. You got confused and thought you were in a BC year and the assignment was due in an AD year.
  3. You mistakenly thought the teacher was going to do the assignment and you were going to mark it.
  4. You printed your assignment in lemon juice but can’t find it among all your other pieces of blank paper.
  5. You thought you merely dreamt about the assignment and so never considered having to deal with it in real life.
  6. You read in the Bible that we should forgive each other and thought you would test the Christianity of your teacher.
  7. As a young child, your parents gave you a spoon to feed yourself. You ended up sticking a load of mashed banana in your eye and have since mentally blocked out any further tasks that are given to you.
  8. You thought Jesus would have come back by now, so you never bothered starting it.
  9. Your shoelace was undone.
  10. With the speed of light and speed of sound being vastly different, at the time the assignment was handed out your brain misaligned the sights and corresponding sounds of receiving the assignment and ended up storing the memory in a parallel set of brain cells—which is also the repressed part of your brain that stores all the jokes your dad tries to tell your friends.
Fact: The definition of assignment, before schools existed, was the "metamorphosisum" of a person into a donkey. Later, this was changed to be associated with how you look when you hand in work on a subject you claim to be knowledgeable about but demonstrate a clear lack of knowledge—looking like a donkey as a result.

Aug 22, 2009

Where do babies come from?

The Edge, August 22, 2009

This question is most often asked by kids—or parents with five or more children. Some avoid the truth by making ridiculous statements, such as, “They come from a cabbage patch,” which explains why many kids don’t like eating green leafy vegetables—it’s too much like cannibalism.

However, it’s better to just come out with the truth about where babies come from.

There is no point beating around the bush.

I mean, you should just say it like it is.

Don’t be afraid to tell kids exactly where babies come from.

There is no point in avoiding the question.

And don’t be embarrassed by the truth.

Shying away from the answer is just cowardly.

You’d be surprised how many macho men will go to any lengths to give anything but the real answer and, likewise, macho women.

A straightforward answer about the origin of babies should always be given. You don’t want the child to end up thinking you don’t know yourself—that would be more embarrassing than the actual answer.

And making up a silly answer to such important questions can be bad for their health. Especially if your explanation involves driving a car on a rainy evening at a speed above the speed limit, while drinking, texting, smoking and juggling chainsaws—all at once.
Just be bold and give a direct answer.

And don’t go and change the subject either—some people do that to avoid the uncomfortable situation.
I had a couch once that was uncomfortable. We ended up buying a new one, which was much nicer. It matched the carpet in our lounge room. You’d be surprised how many people don’t even consider the benefits of a carefully-selected couch and carpet ensemble.

The resulting harmonised Tai Chi of the room has been known to increase fertility—which is great if you want to grow cabbages in your lounge room.

Facts: When Adam and Eve awoke after each of their creations, they found themselves in a vegie patch—in among the cabbages. Being the first humans, technically, we can say all babies have come from this cabbage patch. Also, a caesarean was originally “a type of salad (or mix up) of lettuce-y leaves,” which now describes complicated child births.

Jun 20, 2009

What is the best way to evangelise?

Over the millennia, many methods of proclaiming the all powerful love of God have been attempted. This has resulted in refining our techniques for “bringing in the sheaves” down to one foolproof, time-saving, money-guarding, life-giving, lawnmowing, tooth-picking, potato-mashing method of evangelism.

Before we knew the way of milk and honey, humanity of the Christian kind has tried:

  • Street preaching—but very few streets have been known to give their pavers to Christ.
  • Prison singing ministries—but getting everyone into prison before they can be sung to heaven was the problem.
  • Revelation seminars—which have simply provided the hunting movement with more recruits who are frightened of the beasts, particularly the ones with many heads.
  • Ark building—a favourite with the animals but no-one else.
  • Telly evangelism—but with the current qualitylessness state of television, it ain’t working.
  • Doorknocking—while successful for a time, is now patented by police forces, who’ve come up with even more effective methods of getting doors opened—a missed opportunity for Christians.
  • Vegetarian cooking classes—simply made longer-living atheists.
  • And the ever-courageous living by example but don’t say a word genus, which was considered to be lacking in “sales.”

Having dismissed all other methods, the ultimate way of evangelism can be summarised in three words: letterboxing.

If you’re running a prophecy seminar, letterbox.
If you’re running a health seminar, letterbox.
If you’re running a tree hugging seminar, letterbox.
If you’re running a table tennis seminar, letterbox.
If you are running a seminar on letterboxing, letterbox.
If you see an old friend who has left the church, letterbox them.
If you yourself have started to slip away from the church, letterbox yourself.

The only occasion you would not letterbox someone is if they didn’t have a letterbox. In that case, you would do the Christian thing—go and buy them a letterbox.

Interesting Fact: The all-time record for letterboxing is held by Jesus. While He didn’t do it all Himself, He was clever enough to organise a worldwide church to “Go and letterbox all nations” on His behalf— and they have!

May 2, 2009

What happens when you die?

The age-old question of what happens after you die has never been successfully buried. However, because the Bible refers to death being like a sleep, we can begin to understand the many side effects death has.

If death is like a sleep, this means—for some—death will bring much tossing and turning. This explains why coffins have padding on the inside. If there was no padding, those who tossed and turned all millennium would be covered in bruises and splinters at the Second Coming—until their eyes twinkled, anyway.

Others, as they sleep, will have dreams of speaking in public while dressed only in their funeral underwear or dream of flying into objects—probably as a result of their pallbearers not being of equal height.

Some will erupt into snoring upon their death, meaning family plots are not necessarily the best idea. This is why people are buried under six feet of dirt. It was figured out around 4000 BC that six feet of dirt is needed to fully muffle the sound of the loudest snorer. For dinosaurs, it’s much deeper to muffle old Rex’s snoring—and it is due to being so deep, and the resonances of the snoring, that they have turned into fossils.

The least side effects are had by those who are cremated, only having to endure a brief onset of “hot pillow” syndrome.

However, cremation is the most costly method of preservation for God, as He has to keep careful track of all your ashes for reconstruction at the Resurrection. Those who are scattered at sea are the biggest cataloguing challenge—but nothing is impossible with God.

Finally, regarding “heading toward the light” when you die.

It’s well worth approaching the light because it could be either God’s throne, which is a spectacular sight to witness; a train, which will take you across the universe to visit all the other worlds; or it’ll be Jesusland, a theme park created by Jesus Himself that has themed lands, including Parableland, Eternityland and Discipletown. Either way, take sunscreen.

Tip: Or you could just believe what the Bible has to say about it—”the dead know nothing” (Ecclessiastes 9:5)— and trust God to sort it out from there.

Feb 28, 2009

What's the worst that can happen?

The Edge, February 28, 2009

If you have ever been compelled to do something but hesitated because of unknown consequences, let me put you at ease by sharing the worst-case scenario of any situation.

The moment you partake in the activity of mystery, a person of overenthusiastic lawfulness will tackle you to the ground, breaking your leg and ear bones, and zapping you repeatedly with their electric cattle prod keyring until police arrive.

The police throw you in their car, bumping your head on the exhaust pipe on the way in.

After spending 40 days in a cell with six deodorant-deprived TV gameshow hosts—who give commentary about every single moment of the day, and stress how important every decision is—you are given your one phone call.

The call is answered by your partner’s mother, who comes down to sort things out—only she proceeds to tell the officers other crimes you’ve committed, mistaking your life with the person in the crime novel she’s been reading—Vicious Felonies.

Thus the police upgrade your holding cell to a one-metre octangular cell, which is infested with leeches and is starting to fill with acid from the bottom, while spikes are lowering from the roof and air from Rotorua, NZ, fills the cell.

A pastoral visit from the prison chaplain gives you an irrefutable revelation that the Bible was wrong and every single human being will burn forever and ever in a fiery hell, except Jesus, who was the only one to fulfil prophecy correctly.

Added to all this, your original wrongdoing had started a chain-reactive virus that tickles the entire world’s human, animal and plant life to a slow and hilarious death.

At this time you wake up to realise this was all a dream but then find out you are a prophet and this is merely a vision of how your day will turn out.

Interesting Fact: Things could have been worse for Job. If he had become unemployed at the same time all the bad stuff was happening to him he would have also lost his name!


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