Dr Whomework

Written: Scott Wegener and the Edinburgh College drama class
Performance: Edinburgh College Arts Evening - November 10, 2015 




Scene I: Staff Meeting

A large ‘box’ (Tardis) sits to the side of stage, covered by a large ‘sheet’.

3 teachers (plus extras) are sitting around a table with papers, cups of tea and biscuits.

MR OEMKE: Managed to give out any infringements this morning, Miss Judd?

MISS JUDD:  (excited) YES, Mr Oemke, two actually! One, to someone talking in class, that was a easy, but I had to be more creative for the second – I ended up picking one of the students who had handed in ALL their homework and accused them of cheating.

MR OEMKE: Hmm, it’s in your contract to give out 3 infringements a day, so make sure you find another one before home time, please.

MISS JUDD: No problem. I’ll just tell a joke and whoever doesn’t laugh with enthusiasm I’ll ping for showing descent. That’s what I usually do if I’m falling short of my quota.

MISS FOX: [reading paper] Hey everyone, looks like the government is thinking of reintroducing the cane for discipline! [teachers hi five!] That would be awesome! I NEVER thought I’d get the chance to use the cane. Sweet!

Dr Coulsen walks in, everyone goes silent instantly and sits up.

DR COULSEN: Hello everyone, I trust you’ve had a good morning. I was able to hand out several yellow cards this morning [teachers politely clap] so it’s been very productive indeed. 

Now you all know exams are coming up,  [teachers act excited, ”yessss!!”] Mr Oemke, how long did your trial run of the math exam take you to complete?

MR OEMKE: It was very hard actually, took me 4 hrs to complete, and that was with a little help from Google.

DR COULSEN: Ok, let’s make the kids do it in 2hrs then.  Miss Judd, your exam trial, how did that go.

MISS JUDD: It was difficult, Dr Coulsen. I’d made it so vague I myself wondered what I was meant to be doing. So I haven’t completed it yet. 

DR COULSEN:   Ok, let’s make it a 2hr exam also then. And miss Fox, your exam trial?

MISS FOX: Only took me 10 minutes sir.

DR COULSEN:  10 minutes? That’s hardly an exam!

MISS FOX: It requires a 7 page essay on the difference between A sharp and B flat – it’s quite technical, but it’s a subject I’m very passionate about so it was a lot quicker for me than it will be for the students. I recommend 2 hours.

DR COULSEN: Ok… and what is the difference between A sharp and B flat?

MISS FOX: Oh where do I get started!!! Well, you see an A sharp has…..

DR COULSEN:  OK! ANYWAY… finally, there’s one small matter, hardly worth mentioning actually, it seems… we’ve run out of homework to give the students, but anyway….

MISS JUDD: No homework to hand out!!......?????

[pause 3 second then MAYHEM!!! All teachers throw papers, Mr Oemke runs around screaming, Miss Judd and Miss Fox grab each others collar and start yelling hysterically “what are we going to do.”]

  

DR COULSEN:  Calm down, Calm down. I HAVE A PLAN!!! I HAVE…A….PLAN! Teachers, sit down! I HAVE A PLAN!!! Some calm please!

We can use this…. [unveils Tardis ]

Miss JUDD: We’re going to make a phone call???

DR COULSEN:  No no! This is a time machine! I’ll go back in time and pick up some homework and bring it back with me.

MISS JUDD: Oh goodie, that sounds like fun.

MR OEMKE: I can’t see that working sir, not for history homework anyway. If you go back in time, history won’t have happened yet.

DR COULSEN:  Well, I can also go FORWARD in time, can’t I.

MR OEMKE: But there won’t be any homework in the future because we don’t have any homework now.

DR COULSEN: [demeaning] But I can go back in time to get homework… look, never mind. I’ll be back soon with some homework don’t stress. I’ll save the day, even if I have to travel to infinity and beyond!!

MR OEMKE: Actually you can’t go beyond infinity. That’s a ridiculous thing to say.

DR COULSEN:  It’s a saying…. Never mind!   [enters Tardis]

Scene II: Pirates

CAPTAIN JACK:

Elizabeth:

JIM-BOB:

[Island, Elizabeth is tied up to a post Jim-Bob walks on, carrying box of treasure with treasure map paper poking out]

JIM-BOB: Well, that be the last of the treasure Captain.

CAPTAIN JACK: Arrgh. Excellent, now we just need to tie up this loose end.
[turns to Elizabeth] And what be yer final request for a meal, poppet?

ELIZABETH: I’d love some cheese, please.

CAPTAIN JACK: Some Cheese?

ELIZABETH:  Yes, some cheese!

CAPTAIN JACK: Some Cheese!!?

JIM-BOB: Woolworths sells Cheese sir.

CAPTAIN JACK: I know where cheese is sold, Jim-Bob, but there aint no woolies around here, are there!

 [Tardis Flashes etc – Dr Coulsen enters and spots box with papers and head towards it.]

JIM-BOB: No captain

CAPTAIN JACK: SO you see why I’m so animated? How can we scuttle her if she request cheese and we can’t find any to give her. [turns to Jim-Bob and spots Dr]

CAPTAIN JACK: And who are you, little man, snooping around our treasure.

DR COULSEN: Why, I am Dr Coulsen, I come from the future.

CAPTAIN JACK: Of course you do. [turns to Jim-Bob] Not very tall in the future, are they.

A Doctor ay, so you can help Jim-Bob here with er eye. It’s keeps fillin up with puss and festering.

DR COULSEN: I’m not that kind of Doctor.

CAPTAIN JACK: Oh what kind of Doctor be ye then?

DR COULSEN: I’m a Doctor… who…..[paused to think about the question]

CAPTAIN JACK: So, Dr “Who”, why ye be trespassing on my land anyway?
[points flintlock  at Dr. – who puts his hands up]

Oh what is it?

DR COULSEN: What is what?

CAPTAIN JACK: Well you got yer hand up mattee, what’s ya question?

DR COULSEN: Oh no, I don’t have… oh… ummm. May I use the bathroom, please?

CAPTAIN JACK: The bathroom?

JIM-BOB: It’s where you go to the toilet sir

CAPTAIN JACK: I know what a bathroom is, Jim-Bob, but I think he might be trying to trick us.

JIM-BOB: But captain, it’s better we let him go, just in case. We don’t want him to mess all over our firing post.

CAPTAIN JACK: Good plan, you may go to the bathroom, but don’t’ use the one on my ship, it’s out of paper.

[Dr Coulsen walks off, grabs papers and makes a dash for the Tardis]

CAPTAIN JACK: Remind me to get some more paper when we next stop off at…  Oi, our treasure map! After him!

JIM-BOB: It’s ok, Captain. We already got the treasure, it’s worthless.

[Tardis starts ups - Pirates and Elizabeth laugh rowdily]

CAPTAIN stops, says to Elizabeth: What are you laughing at, poppet

Scene III: Germany, 1944

HITLER:

TRANSLATOR:

HITLER: Passt gut auf, meine Männer, jeder kann feiern. Nur die Größe können gut verieren.

TRANSLATOR: [to audience] Remember men, anyone can deal with victory. Only the mighty can bear defeat.

[ Suddenly, there’s a bright flash. Dr Coulsen jumps out of the TARDIS]

DR COULSEN: Excuse me sir; do you know where this is?

[Hitler turns around]

HITLER: Was haben Sie gesagt?

TRANSLATOR: What did you say?

DR COULSEN: What’s that in your hand? Hey, it’s homework!

[Hitler looks at the papers in his hands]

HITLER: Was?! Sie wollen mein Kriegspläne. Sie müseen britische Spion sein!

TRANSLATOR: What? You want my battle plans. You must be a British spy!

[Hitler pulls out a rifle and aims it at Dr Coulsen.]

DR COULSEN: [gasp] A rifle. You must be Hitler, you bloodthirsty animal!

[Dr Coulsen pulls out his sonic screwdriver and starts to wave it around in front of Hitler. Hitler cocks his head to one side and has a confused expression on his face. ]

HITLER: Was ist den das?

TRANSLATOR: What is that?

DR COULSEN: I need the homework; I want that homework, I WILL GET That HOMEWORK!

[Dr Coulsen snatches the papers out of Hitler’s hands and jumps into the TARDIS]

HITLER: Komrad Mauss! Schiessen Sie diese Maschine

TRANSLATOR: Private Mauss! Shoot at that machine!

[but lights fade to black to end scene.]

Scene IV: Staff room

[Dr Coulsen enters room]

DR COULSEN: Here we go, [hads papers to Miss Fox and Judd] just in time before the bell. I was almost shot twice to get these you know. The things we do…

MISS FOX: Umm, this is a treasure map, for a place which no longer exists.

MISS JUDD: And this is what looks like a recipe for… Waldorf Salad?

MR OEMKE: This is clearly unacceptable, the bell is going soon and the students will be heading home WITHOUT any homework.

DR COULSEN:  Alright, I have another idea, somewhere no one has looked for homework before. But it could be dangerous. Are you willing to come, perhaps even risk your life for obtaining homework?

[Miss Judd Stands]

MISS JUDD: I will do whatever it takes [hand on heart] to be able to give out homework! Who’s with me?

[others stand too and yell “I’m in!”]

DR COULSEN: Ok, let’s go!

Scene V: Rex

[Tardis lands, Music Starts (O Fortuna edited down) - Miss Fox and Miss Judd join/ed by a choir]

THERE'S- SOME HOME WORK LOTS- OF HOME WORK BUT- THERE'S A BIG DINOSAUR	Box lights up Teachers excited Rex starts to rise Full height, roars towards end of last word
Need the home work All that home work Something to give- the- students	Miss Judd slowly approaches Sneaking End of words, mini roar, Miss Judd race back
With out home work Torturous homework Students will watch- the- tv	Teachers regroup, Dr Colsen approaches with Sonic Screwdriver End of words, screwdriver knocked out of hand
Hunting homework Precious homework Something to a- noy- the kids	Miss Fox,  with bone, approaches slowly seems to have Rex’s attention Throws bone beside Rex, and it starts to nibble.
Risky business Getting homework Specially when there- are big- teeth.	Cautiously approaches gets right up to homework turns to gloat to teachers then “ROAR”!!!
COME ON DOCTOR GET THE HOMEWORK FIGHT HIM TO GET- ALL- OF IT	Miss Fox  scampers back falls, Miss Judd goes help ‘drag’ her back Both fall back tired, near tardis.
BUT BE CAREFUL DON'T GET BITTEN THAT WOULD REALLY- RUIN- YOUR DAY	Dr Coulsen goes back to Tardis Exits Tardis
GETTING CLOSER TO THE HOMEWORK NEARLY WITHIN- YOUR- HAND'S REACH	Dr Coulsen turns on Lightsaber approaches slowly but confidently, one hand. Rex light saber turns on to Dr Coulsen’s surprise
COME ON DOCTOR THE SONG'S ENDING YOU MUST GO NOW OR FIND YOURSELF A NEW CAREER .........................	Dr Coulsen psyches up, Grips tightly two hands Dr Coulsen charges in at beginning of last word they start dueling. kills Rex with a stab up through the head on end note hold. Dino falls in a heap

[Dr Coulsen picks up box of homework and teachers gather around excitedly for a moment…

…then the school bell rings.]

ALL TEACHERS: [look right at the audience in silent fear as bell rings, and drawing a slow deep breath, until bell stops,  and then and yell] NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Lights go to black, Dr Who music starts for the roll call:

Lights on with whole drama team lined up, one bow.

Casting roll call, each wave and run into Tardis as name their name called.

As music finished and all are off stage, it seems all is over but Rex gets up (with sound fx) and follows into Tardis…