Scott Wegener is a multi award-winning creative writer who believes in looking on the lighter side of life’s predicaments but still values how serious life is. This site features a wide variety of Scott's published and performed works. If you want to use any of these pieces, or commission something origional, contact Scott Wegener

May 13, 2017

Parenting Made Easy: How to behave like a mother

Performance: Castle Hill Seventh-day Adventist Church - May 13, 2017
Brief: A mother's day skit drama



[Presenter] Welcome to chapter 14 of Parenting made easy: How to behave like a Mother.
We hope you enjoyed the previous chapter on how to give birth to twins while stuck in Pennant Hillls Rd traffic... and still make it to work on time.
In this chapter we’re discussing ideal behaviour to exhibit once you become a mother.
(sweetly) After the honeymoon nine-months come to an end, where your child was conceived...

ALL MUMS: Oh La La! (cheeky)

[Presenter] ...and you had 8 and four quarter months of glowing skin...

ALL MUMS: Blaaahhhhh! (spew)

[Presenter] ...and your child was brought effortlessly into the world...

ALL MUMS: AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! (scream)
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[Presenter] From the moment you first lay eyes on your child… all covered in amniotic goo….

MUM 1: I’m never going to wash my hands again!

[Presenter] and having a face that needs time to settle back into position,

MUM 2: He looks just like his father

[Presenter] it is from this point onwards that you must show love towards your child.

MUM 3: Naw….who did a little spew spew on me! You did! Yes you did! Yes you did!
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[Presenter] As your child gets older, and cleaner, your love will need to continue to shine through in various forms. For example, as a traditional lady, you might be inclined to act a little alarmed at the mere sight of a spider.

GIRLS: A spider?? [all squeal and run around crazy]

[Presenter] However, on becoming a mother, should you see a spider approaching your child lying on the ground, you will need to find courage that you never knew you had.

MUMS: [like Charlie's Angels, all run up yelling and whacking shoes on the ground and giving a big muscle flex]
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[Presenter] before motherhood, funny home video shows showing children falling off swings can bring tears of laughter

GIRLS: [laugh hysterically] “they fell off the swing”

[Presenter] But as a mother you’ll need to find tears of compassion

MUM 1: “oh no!”

MUM 2: “poor child fell off the swing”

MUM3: “where is his mother…”

(all cry sadly)
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[Presenter] Without children, shopping is somewhat a deluxe experience

GIRLS: [poshly mime taking things off the shelf and being picky as to what they buy, reading labels.]

[Presenter] When you go shopping as a mother you will need to put a little more energy into your outing

[Alternating one quote each:]

MUM 1: “No, put that back” - “Get down from there” - “Take that out of your nose”

MUM 2: “No you can’t have a box of doughnuts”- “Come on. Get up off the floor” - “Don’t open that”

MUM 3: “Don’t touch” - “Get out of the freezer” - “No, you can't go to the toilet there”
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[Presenter] Should a childless woman fall sick. The days will be spent curled up in bed.

GIRLS: [curled up and groaning.]

[Presenter] Becoming a mother. Sickness is no longer an option.

MUM 1: [curl up on ground groaning]

BOY: “Mum. where are my socks? Have you made my lunch? I don’t like sandwiches. Have you seen my homework? I left my shoes at school, Nathan hit me. Mum, lily spewed again.
---
[Presenter] Time spent on the phone is initially an engrossing task

GIRL 1: “Do you know what I saw the other day while shopping?

GIRL 2: “I do not. Do tell. And don’t spare ANY of the detail!”

[Presenter] but as a mother, in depth phone calls will no longer be an option.

MUM 2: “Hi, can’t talk, kids are skateboarding on the roof, again. Call you back in... 10 years...

---

[Presenter] Most women love to reach the end of a busy day at work and relax.

GIRLS: [all flop on ground and turn on TV]

[Presenter] But as a mother, you also love to reach the end of a busy day at work and relax...

MUM 3: [start to mime below]

[Presenter] ...while cooking 3 separate meals to cater for Johnny's and Cecil’s food phobias and Rupert’s 17 allergies, ironing father's shirt for tomorrow's big meeting, [BOY walks past and drops off shirt] cleaning the carpet when the dog barfed, bathing all children, who rolled in the dog barf, reading 4 stories and spending the rest of the night mending penelope's dress for school photos before you fall into bed for a few minutes sleep before the first child calls out in the night. “Muuuuuummmmeeeeeee…..”

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[Presenter] Congratulations. You have completed the “Behaving like a mother” chapter.
In the next chapter we look at 35 places to to take your toddler to the toilet, which can be reached within 7 seconds of any public location.
We hope you enjoyed this tutorial. Remember to subscribe...

EVERYONE: [points to ‘subscribe sign’]

[Presenter] ...and comment below.
Thanks for watching, I’m [make up a presenters name].

Everyone: Thanks Mums.

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