Scott Wegener is a multi award-winning creative writer who believes in looking on the lighter side of life’s predicaments but still values how serious life is. This site features a wide variety of Scott's published and performed works. If you want to use any of these pieces, or commission something origional, contact Scott Wegener

Sep 15, 2018

Injecting Stress

Brief: A skit to introduce the topic of Stress

Performance: Castle Hill Seventh-day Adventist Church - September 15, 2018
 
September: Stress

NOTE: All Pat’s talking is done via voice-over.
[Pat walks in, and sits very nervously, leg jittering. Sweaty]

Pat: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I HATE injections. In fact they must be so bad I’ve blocked out all memory of them cause I don’t think I ever remember having one!
Oh, what am I even doing here? I should never have come. I’ve got to get that project done for my boss by the end of day or my job’s sunk. And no job, no mortgage payments, no mortgage payments, no house.

[Pat checks arms]

Pat: Great, now I’m all sweaty, the doctor will probably slip when he’s injecting me...

[Doctor comes in with clipboard to call out next patient]

Pat: Oh no, here we go.

Dr: Mr Frettmore?

Pat: There must be another Mr Fretmore here? Surely, it’s a very common name... anyone? [sigh] It must be me. Maybe if I don’t go in he’ll call the next person?

Dr: Mr Frettmore... come through please.

Pat: Oh, drat, no going back now.

[Pat stands and enters]

Pat: I really should have gone to the bathroom. What if there’s no room in my body for any more fluids when he injects me? I could explode like water balloon!

Dr: I see you’re here for your injection, oh and it’s a big one too! Looks like you’re getting the lot today.

Pat: A BIG ONE! Is he talking about the needle? Like knitting needles size or something? This is it, I’m done for!

Dr: Hepatitis, tetanus, malaria, gangrene, sifilis, sinusitis, haemorrhoids, Fibonacci fever... this is quite a collection. Where are you going to require all these? Canberra? Roll up your sleeve please.

Pat: I’d better do my left arm because if he severs a nerve and they amputate I’ll still be able to use the can opener with my right arm.

[Dr rubs the area to sterilise it]

Pat: AAAAAAAUUUUGGGHAHAAAAAAAA... [strains] you’re killing meeeeeeee!!!!! I think you’ve hit my bone! It’s over. Head towards the light... I’m coming home, Jesus!

Dr: Ok, I’ll just get the syringe ready....

Pat: WHATT!!! That wasn’t it??!! You must be joking. If that was just the swab, then...

[Doctor clearly and effortlessly quickly injects into the man’s arm and turns around.]

Pat: ...wowssers, what’s this massive needle going to feel like then? Oh, I should have upped my life insurance, How’s my family going to cope without me. Oh and I haven’t returned those library books under my bed, I hope my wife finds them and returns them otherwise she’ll be charged late fees for the rest of her life. And I should have said a proper goodbye to my kids, oh no! And when my wife dies my kids will inherit the library book debt. Oh Boy, it’ll all be over soon. Just breathe. How do they do it when they’re giving birth,

[actor pat makes the sounds: ‘whff, whff, whff, hooff hooff hooff, whff whff whff, hooff hooff, hooff, hooff.]

Dr: Ok, this isn’t normal procedure but I’m running a bit behind. I’m going to give you this...
[holds knitting needle up and Pat run’s out in a panic]
Dr: ... to take out to reception, Mavis must have left it here. Anyway, you’re all done....?? [turns around,] Mr Fretmore? [shrugs shoulders] NEXT PLEASE

COPYRIGHT

Scott Wegener holds the copyright to this piece, along with everything else on www.ScottPublished.com , but he may well let you use it elsewhere, just ask!
This was written by Scott Wegener to accommodate a specific brief. If you want something written specifically for your needs, just ask for a quote!