Peresentation: South Pacific Division Morning Worship - May 23, 2022
[Greatest showman Music starts – Enter from back of room, Dark-glasses, suit wearing entourage of 2 or 3 follow. Photographer leads in front taking photos along the way. Takes some photos from the front seat for the first minute. Stand up front, entourage either side behind speaker. wit for end of intro music "...this the the moment you've been waiting for".]
Good morning, everyone
As most of you will be aware, there is a General Conference Session coming up soon.
At this session,
there’s a possibility that our President may perhaps be elevated to the GC president role.
In this case, we’ll need to find a new leader for the SPD.
This morning, I’d like to put forward my name as a potential replacement for our President should he vacate his position in the coming weeks.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking “I should have worn a tie this morning for my new boss - because first impressions are everything.”
[turns to entourage]
Take note of who's not wearing a tie, please
[looking back to audience]
To give you a bit of confidence in my coming leadership, I’d like to share with you some of my policies - should I be divinely appointed, via your vote, as the new SPD President.
- My first decree as SPD president would be to replace the word ‘Division’ in our organization’s name, which isn’t very unifying. We would rebrand as the “South Pacific Dream-team”.
- Morning worships will include Hash browns for all attendees
- Electric scooters will be provided for travel between offices
- I’d put a Golf driving range on the SPD roof, and you’d win a BMW if you get the ball in the hole on the top of Adventist Media’s roof
- All staff would be given a daily $15 credit for the San Café
- Also a monthly Bunnings allowance of $500 for all staff
- Weekly deluxe car wash while you work
- Hourly shoe-shining service at your desk
- A pet lamb for all staff
- On-site Child and pet crèche (plant crèche on request)
- Slippery slides from level 2 to level 1
- Trampolines from level 1 to level 2
- Chocolate fondue fountain in every office
personal entrance music for all staff, for when you talk into any room.
[play snippet again]
- Fully subsidized plastic surgery at the SAN during lunch breaks
- 300km/h Fast train between SPD and AM.
- Replacing the carpool, with a Corporate jet pool, for all staff traveling between Cooranbong and Wahroonga. That’s right, the SPD jet, Adventist 1, will no longer just for the president but for the people - just use a coaster when drinking the complementary Patritti.
- Introduce lunchtime Line dancing - minus the dancing, obviously
- Ice creams offered at your desk every two hours
- Daily 1hr shoulder rubs while you work
- The option to stay in a flat at Manly, one week per year free of charge, no annual leave required.
- Provision for 1 anonymously published Record rant per fortnight, per staff member, to publicly air your frustrations
- 2hr morning and afternoon tea breaks at 10am and 2pm each day, and a 15minute break every other hour.
- All Mondays are paid holidays, to help you recover from the weekend
- Long weekends include two additional paid days off to aid recovery
- Weekly pay rise
- Reduce tithe to 9.8%
Who here would like to see some of these proposals become a reality.
Who would not like to see any of these proposals happen?
I’ll take that as passed. Thank you very much.
[turns to entourage]
Would you guys go and move my boxes from my car to the president's office. Thanks.
[turns back to audience]
Some of you who didn’t vote in the affirmative. I understand. You’re probably asking, “Scott how are you going to fund all this?”
Glad you asked. That shows you are economically responsible – just like me.
Essentially, with such a positive work-life experience, we will no longer need to supply staff with tissue boxes – and I calculate the savings will pay for everything I’m proposing.
Some of you may still be skeptical and think this is all just fanciful words. But I’d like to point out that what I’m offering fades into INSIGNIFICANCE compared to what God is offering us to be our leader.
- I’m merely offering ice-creams, chocolate fountains and hash browns
- God’s offering a magical fruit tree that changes fruit through the year, and this tree gives eternal life.
- I’m merely offering e scooters, fast train and corporate jet travel
- God’s offering Free travel around universe
- I’m merely offering Mondays off and extended tea breaks
- God’s offering permeant rest
- I’m merely offering a stay at Manly
- God’s offering Free permanent mansion accommodation in a city of gold
- I’m offering in-room personal entrance music
- God’s going to take up the entire sky with his entrance music.
- I’m merely offering to change the SPD’s name
- God’s going to Change our personal names
- I’m merely offering hourly shoe shining service
- God’s offering A golden, jewel studded crown for everyone
- I’m offering a space to rant in the Record
- God is offering answers to everything, permanent Peace and no more tears
- I’m merely offering pet lamb
- God is offering Pet lamb AND lion (How’s that going to work?!)
- I’m merely offering Bunnings allowance, a weekly pay rise and 9.8% tithe
- God’s offering 100% allowance and 0% tithe
- I’m merely offering shoulder rubs and subsidized Plastic surgery
- God’s offering Pain free living with an entirely new body. and ETERNAL LIFE!
Now, I’m sure most of you thought some of my policies included some good ideas. However, you no doubt thought one of two of my offerings were somewhat extravagant, and even implausible to facilitate. But as you can see, what God is offering, in writing I might add, is infinitely more extravagant!
Think about that. My crazily good ideas you though were fancifully wonderful, are NOTHING compared to what your father in heaven has in store your you.
Hi, I’m giving worship at the moment…. Hey?... oh you’re watching? How’d I do….. U-ha. U-ha… ok. Sure… no probs. Thanks. Bye.
Sorry about that.
So my legal team has asked me to mention that everything I’ve personally promised this morning was for illustrative purposes only. I am not actually running for president, in fact after this morning, I'm more likely running FROM the president.
Having said that, the good news is, all of Gods’ promises still stand and are fully costed.
Sometime this week, maybe your work tasks or interactions with others will discourage or stress you. Maybe you’ll get tired shoulders or a sore back or headache. Or you might get hungry or have a long commute home, in a dirty car… I ask that you consider my promises, and God’s promises, and think “whoever comes though with their promises – either way, there’s better days ahead”.
Lord, we live in an amazing world you created for us. Amazing… but now aging due to sin.
We all long for the better life you promise us. A life filled with peace and joy, friendships and travel, mangoes and mashed potato.
Until then, Lord, keep our hearts singing. Inspire us to Share Jesus’ love with everyone we meet, either in conversation, by passing on books, or simply by our attitudes and actions to others.
Lead us today in our service to you. May we all play our specialized parts, big and small, in sharing your love throughout the South Pacific.
We pray this in Jesus extravagantly loving name