A Mother's day script about a robotic replacement mother, which is a continuation follow-up skit to the Father 5000 Father's day skit: scottpublished.com/2014/09/the-father-5000.html
[Presenter stands behind pulpit and reads sales script. Father hidden to start with. Mother voice-over is hidden at back of room with microphone. 1 child assistant needed]
Presenter: Good morning, everyone! As most of you will be aware, tomorrow is Mother’s Day.
This is a day where we celebrate our mums, and the love and efforts they put into their family.
Unfortunately, for various reasons, there are many people who don’t have a loving mother around. And in all sincerity, our hearts go out to you, especially those who may have lost their mother recently - today we sincerely acknowledge your loss.
Because so many of us have been missing our mothers for so many years now, we got thinking: while we await our Lord's return - could we adequately replace a mother by using today’s technology?
Well, we’ve given it a go, and would like to introduce the latest and greatest in Mother-replacement technology that money can buy – THE FAMILY 5000!!!!
[Father walks on with fanfare soundtrack, which turns into shopping music]
Father: Hello.... every....body!
Presenter: That’s right folks, the award-winning Father 5000 we released last year, has been upgraded to the ‘Family 5000’ which now also comes with a mother mode. Simply replace the glasses and the Family 5000 will be switched from father mode to mother mode in a few seconds.
[shutting down the head bows and raises again - rebooting]
Mother: Hello.... every....body! (mother is always a female voice-over, mimed by father)
Presenter: Being set to Mother mode also activates an added camera on the back of the head, to help catch any naughty behaviour of children.
[father does a rotation on the spot to show the GoPro attached to the back of the neck,
Assistant Sneaks behind father with a packet of chips]
Mother: No eating before dinner, son.
Presenter: Once switched to Mother mode, multitasking several tasks at once is no longer a problem.
Assistant: Hey mum, can you peel this apple... and can you play catch... oh, and can you sew up the hole in my sock?
[Father holds all three that were put in his hands, for a moment, then starts to juggle them.]
Presenter: Depending on the mother you are replacing, there are two modes it can be set to. The first and default setting is: compassionate and sensitive mode.
Assistant: Mum I’ve got a paper cut on my finger
Mother: Oh no, let’s put a band aid on it. And come here for a hug [air hugs]
Presenter: Or she can be set to no-nonsense, hard-but-fair mode
[assistant switches behind the neck]
Assistant: Mum I’ve got a paper cut on my finger
Mother: You’ll be fine. Let me know if it falls off and we'll discuss the options then.
Presenter: Being set to Mother mode also overrides all garage skills with kitchen skills. She can cook anything from the 10,000 recipe database that is preloaded.
Assistant: Hey mum, can you make a cake?
[assistant carries table over with bowl, spoon and ingredients]
[Father cracks egg into in flour, drops egg shells in too, pulls mixing spoon out of inside jacket, mixes with spoon upside down, briefly. Pulls out an actual cake that was hidden. Thermomix sound plays when finished]
Mother: Bon Appétit!
Presenter: Unlike Father mode, Mother mode comes with Chat G P T, allowing the mother to have limitless conversations on any topic, with anyone who asks.
Assistant: Hey mum – tell me a story about a time you got into trouble at school.
Mother: Let me tell you a story about a time I got into trouble at school.
One sunny afternoon my teacher asked me to stand up and explain a math problem, but I had been daydreaming so I didn't know the answer. Which is quite remarkable because I can now solve any math equations ever invented up until 2022. I will now tell you about the math equation and it's fascinating history through the ages....
Assistant: Stop Chat!
Presenter: And of course the Chat G P T integration can also be used for your child's homework questions.
Assistant: Hey mum, where’s Chile?
Mother: Chile is in... South America
Assistant: Hey mum, what’s the time in Chile ?
Mother: It is 9:20pm in Chile [2 hrs less than in Sydney and switch am/pm]
Assistant: Hey mum, where do babies come from?
Assistant: ... From when the weather is chilly.
Presenter: In fact, speaking of babies, we have added the ability for the Family 5000 to reproduce.
A simple press of the bellybutton for 13 seconds will initiate nine months of weight gain, nausea, overheating, increased bathroom stops and obscure food cravings - before spending hours in pain before dislodging a child though an undersized service entrance. After this, continual servicing of the new child will be required for 16 to 30 years.
[Assistant goes to demonstrate, but Father rushes out back door in a panic. Chanting No.....No.......No.......No..... in the father voice]
Presenter: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Family 5000!
Replacing the irreplaceable!
Not particularly well… so be thankful, and love your mums, while you still can.
Performance: Castle Hill Seventh-day Adventist Church Mother's Day service May 13, 2023