How much money do I need to be rich?

The Edge, June 23, 2007

About a century ago, Ernie Einstein—Albert’s younger brother—formulated an accounting equation that works out how much money any one person needs to be considered rich: R=mc0. The equation “R=mc0” means rich (R) is your money (m) counted (c) plus an extra zero (0).

Here are some practical examples:

• A $1,000,000,000 balance has so many zeros that it confuses people, to the point of thinking they have less money than they actually have. They desire that extra zero to ensure they have enough money to put their 10 chihuahuas through university.
• A $1,000,000 balance brings the desire of the extra zero so people can separate themselves from those who won their million from TV game shows.
• A $100,000 balance makes people want the extra zero, to be invited to parties where they can get the autograph of those they saw win a million dollars on TV game shows.
• A $10,000 balance brings a one-chance investment decision. Having the extra zero would mean 10 chances to invest wisely and allow for accidental investments in MP3 duplicating machinery.
• A $1000 balance means a person can think of 10 things they could buy with that money—problem is they can have only one of them, so the extra zero is craved.
• A $100 balance is great if you want to take your partner out for dinner, but to really impress them you need that extra zero to be able to aff ord enough roses to show them how much you truly love them.
• A $10 balance leaves one desiring the extra zero so they can skip the budget “blotchy wash” and get the deluxe carwash that includes laser eye treatment and fl ossing.
• A $1 balance means that to be able to buy a “minimum of chips” every day in the coming week, and feel rich indeed, an extra zero is required.
• A $0 balance is literally having nothing. People like this are more common in developing countries. The extra zero brings their total worth to $0.0, which they already have, so are indeed the only ones who, according to the formula, consider themselves rich.

Thus, it seems those with no money are more content than those with it, and therefore richer than those with more.

Is there any sense in superstitions?

The Edge, May 26, 2007

Some people scoff at the suggestion of superstitions, others swear by them—and are later made to wash their mouth out with soap by their mother. Like it or not, every superstition has some truth to it, if the circumstances are right.

The superstitions below can be scientifically proven:

• It’s good luck to find a four leaf clover if you’re a hungry ladybug.
• It’s good luck to have a rabbit’s foot when you’re a rabbit. (Having two or more is even better luck for the rabbit.)
• It’s good luck to cross your fingers if someone’s offering a four finger discount.
• When you see a shooting star you can make a wish and if your wish actually happens, it has come true.
• Bad things come in threes when your sister visits with her ADHD triplets.
• Friday the 13th is a day of bad luck if you run you car into the back of a circus animal truck.
• It’s bad luck to walk under a ladder if there’s a painter with hypothermia up it.
• It’s bad luck if a black cat passes in front of you when you’re a mouse without legs.
• It’s bad luck if you break a mirror while living in a lighthouse.
• It’s bad luck to open an umbrella indoors if you’re in a small but expensive china shop.
• It’s bad luck to step on a crack in the footpath if the crack is bigger than your foot and the path leads over a septic tank.
• It’s bad luck to have a horseshoe nailed on the wall with its ends pointing down if you're the horse still wearing the horseshoe.

As you can see, all superstitions are fully valid—given the right circumstances.

The one superstition you need to remember most is the bad luck that comes by not sharing your faith with your friends (for them, not you).

Interesting Fact: The first person to invent a superstition never actually went ahead with the invention for fear it would bring them bad luck.

What’s so amazing about saying grace?

The Edge, March 31, 2007

Recently, The Edge came across an untranslated Dead Sea serviette that presents 10 instructions God gave Moses about grace. This helps explain some of the idiosyncrasies with this tradition that’s taught to us from Christian childhood.
Below is the best English translation we could decipher.

THE 10 GRACEANDMENTS

1. For all food or nutritionally beneficial beverages that require more than four mouthfuls or more than 12 minutes to consume, grace is required.
2. Saying grace before a meal will add to the nutritional value and filling capacity of a meal (and if the grace rhymes the taste of a meal will also improve).
3. Grace may be said up to 12 seconds into a meal, though all chewing must cease during the grace or it will be declared null and void.
4. Blessing the hands that have prepared the food ensures that the cook’s hands were washed before preparing the meal—even if they weren’t.
5. There is a time limit of seven minutes between saying grace and starting to eat the meal before the grace expires and needs reinstating.
6. A grace is valid for all food consumption and only ceases its functions when 77 minutes pass between any two mouthfuls.
7. Singing or holding hands during grace will scare away all germs that may be present in the meal.
8. One person may pronounce a grace for an entire group but a SYO order (Say Your Own) must be openly declared if this isn’t going to happen.
9. Calling out “Grace!” has no affect on the meal but will bring laughter, groans and confused looks from different people in the vicinity.
10. Food poisoning may result if the above guidelines are ignored 70 x 7 times. Enjoy your meal.

Did you know? Not closing eyes during grace cancels all positive affects grace would otherwise have. The angels can’t secretly “do their stuff ” to your food if your eyes are open!

Scott the Mood for Cooking!

I wrote (and 'performed') this script for a guest appearance on a podcast I used to be part of for www.signsofthetimes.org.au

Bon Appétit (whatever that means)

Green eggs and ham: eat it or scram?

The Edge, February 17, 2007

They say ask a silly question, get a silly answer. So I guess if you ask a rhyming silly question you should get a rhyming silly answer:

The question you ask
It is a big task
The Bible’s reasons, we’ll use to unmask

Ham is forbid
And so is squid
Deut 14 explains it, as to a wee kid

About the green eggs
This question still begs
There’s no Bible stance on, that’s got any legs

Should we go eat
For it is not meat
Lawful to dine on, before it goes tweet?

Eggs of the norm
Are OK in form
But will being green, cause one stomach storm?

If egg were eggplant
Like eaten by an aunt
Gen 1:30 says green, would be a fine slant

So what do we do?
We’re in quite a stew
No advice to receive, that we can call true

Abstain I do say
Keep well away
And when we’re in heaven, we will check the buffet

(Dedicated to Kevin Whyte – whose courage is like a flying kite.)
“God is a vegetarian with no ifs and buts – But He desires spiritual fruit, not spiritual nuts!"

How to answer the age-old question, “How are you?”

The Edge, November 4, 2006

A recent study has shown the question “How are you?” is clearly the most commonly asked question by humans. For animals, it was “Shall we sniff?” and computers, “When shall I randomly close this application?”
The “How are you?” question came in oodles ahead of second place “What’s the meaning of life?” and there was a tie for third, “Would you like fries with that?“ and “Do I look fat in this?”

While “How are you?” has many, many answers, here’s a list of the top 50 responses:

• Good
• Fine
• Well
• Terrible
• Pleasant
• Sick
• Not telling
• Do you really want to know?
• Nifty
• Novel
• Nauseous
• Better than you
• Irritable, go away!
• Because I am
• Why do you ask?
• Are you serious
• Speak up
• 65 per cent water
• You tell me
• Mind your own business
• Did you hear that?
• If only I knew
• I have leprosy
• Don’t bother me
• Do I know you?
• Don’t beat around the bush, just say it!
• Who sent you?
• Let’s take this outside
• Not in front of the children
• I beg your pardon
• Do you really, really want to know?
• I didn’t do it
• 5 kg over my goal weight, you?
• Still breathing
• Open to suggestions
• Fighting fit
• Over it
• I could tell you but I’d have to kill you
• I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that
• No speak English
• Can you write that down
• Interesting statement you make
• What a ridiculous thing to ask
• And you kiss your mother with that mouth?
• That came out wrong, didn’t it!
• Craving sweet potato ice-cream
• Signed, sealed and delivered
• Not interested
• Like a duck in the mud
• Do you really, really, reeeeeally want to know?
• You definitely need a Tic-Tac or something because your breath STINKS!

The very first person to ask the question “How are you?” was Adam when he first met Eve. In the Edeenian dialect they spoke, “How are you?” is pronounced “Hubber hubber.” Keep that in mind the next time someone asks you “How you are”!

Did you know: if 6 billion humans said “How are you?“ only once in one day (taking 1 second to say it ), more than 190 years of time would be wasted from the small talk. in this time another billion people would have been born. This time could have been used far more productively playing solitaire. (though a billion births is pretty productive—hey, maybe if we all stopped saying "How are you" that would solve the population problem???)

Buckets of Trouble

A moment of gardening innovation for Scott Wegener led to an afternoon of scientific challenge—and a moment of enlightenment.

Signs of the Times, November 2006
Aussie Stories, 2010Aussie Stories for Blokes, 2013

I had been scheming for weeks about how I could utilise some of the drain-bound water from our unit’s guttering system. There were several rosebushes stranded undercover— never feeling the wet of rain. To avoid the effort of having to water them by hand, I planned to divert some of our gutter water down a pipe and into a large bucket reservoir that would ultimately distribute the water of life to the needy rosebushes. It would be automatic, free and environmentally responsible.