What is the will of God?

The Edge, June 21, 2008

For some, this is the ultimate question. People would pay a fortune to know and be a part of the will of God. What these people fail to realise is God is never going to die! So what does it matter what’s in God’s will? However, if God were to die, just to satisfy the askee, this is what God would leave to his children:

• 1447 “Instant Galaxy Mix” sachets
• 77,712 pallet loads of “Gravity in a Box”
• 707 KWs of “Lightning in a Can”
• 712 “Let there be Light”TM bulbs of various apparent magnitudes 
• One giant “Heaven Army Knife”—recently sharpened
• 127 kilometres of aluminium foil
• 12,144 tons of gold pavers
• The only copy of the billion-page Book Of Life (made out of 100 per cent recycled paper) The entire collection of Weet-Bix collector card sets
• A BMW M12
• 2324 robes of light
• 4648 slippers of light
• The complete Gaither Homecoming HeavenRay-disk collection
• The number 42
• Seven never-been-used, gold plated, monogrammed hankies 
• Three “always existed” certificates
• A 12-player foosball table
• 4040 angels at command
• 12 “holiday” universes
• Heaven (complete with BIW’s and LUG)
• One manna fondue set

Liabilities:

1. You must remember to pick up earth’s humans, give them an extreme makeover and bring them home to heaven.
2. You must later relocate them back to earth, after giving earth a serious Backyard Blitz, and house them—happily ever after.
3. Run all the other universes
4. Tell a children’s story once a quarter.

Interesting Fact: None of God’s assets are covered by insurance if damaged by Himself.

Know it? Do it!

Imagine a world that studied and lived by Jesus’ teachings.

CQ, April 23, 2008

HOW-TO
Ps. 18:30

To have a positive effect on this world, Jesus’ teachings cannot merely be acknowledged and left to gather dust.They must be acted upon. So how can we act upon Jesus’ teachings to change ourselves, others, and the world for the better?

What is truth? And how does it relate to potatoes?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Apr 19, 2008
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep6 - Emmanuel - Hope Channel

While this question was made famous by Pilate, it is the motto of “Scott’s Silly Answers”—as you’ll soon see.
Jesus says “I am the way, the truth and the life,” however, those who choose not to believe Him use the “DaTruth Code” to discover an alternate answer.

The code is as follows:

It is said “The truth hurts” and the one thing most commonly referred to as hurting is childbirth.
Childbirth has a connection with the “birds and the bees” and bees make honey, which is sticky. Sticky tape is an alternative to Blu-Tack, which, on appearance, not taste, can be substituted with bubblegum.
Bubbles are created by dishwashing detergent, and a lot of detergent is needed when washing pots where soup has burnt onto the bottom. Soup is often served at church lunches, which is a “godsend” after a long sermon.
Often people can be found sleeping during long sermons, and there are many people in the world who snore while sleeping.
"It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring” is a saying we’ve all heard, and is closely linked to the clue about it “raining cats and dogs.” Cats and dogs don’t get along, often fighting, and those who fight for a profession are called firefighters.
Fires are most commonly started by matches and you must strike a match to get fire. Tenpin bowling’s most desired outcome is a strike, where 10 pins are knocked down in one shot.
This points to humans, having 10 fingers and 10 toes, totalling 20. Now 20 divided by X = Y and “why?” is the question most often asked by small children—and they are notorious for filling their nappies with something resembling pumpkin soup.
Pumpkin is a popular vegetable but slightly less so than potatoes, which most people desire in one form or another, just like truth.
Thus, truth is a potato.

Frustrating Fact: This sentence is a lie.

What is the best praying position?

• Video segment - Edge TV Ep5 - Encounter - Hope Channel
• (This Scott's Silly Answers segment never appeared in The Edge magazine.)

Is it lawful to swim on the Sabbath?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Feb 16, 2008
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep1 - Enjoy - Hope Channel

The argument in favour of swimming on Sabbath has gathered buoyancy in recent years but people can still be found rowing over the issue.

The little-known book of Nemo—which for some reason didn’t make it into the Bible—has 10 Swimandments. This most likely explains where the regulations for sacred swimming have come from, as the Bible isn’t specific in specifically specifying any specifications.

The 10 Swimandments are as follows:

1. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 30oC but only up to thy ankles.
2. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 35oC but only up to thy knees.
3. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 40oC but only up to thy waist.
4. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 45oC but only up to thy neck.
5. Thou can swim to save thyself if thou accidentally falleth into a lake, ocean, river or wall of water. However, thou shalt not fall in accidentally-on-purpose.
6. Thou can swim to save a manservant or maidservant who falleth into a lake, ocean, river or wall of water but thou shalt not cause thy manservant or maidservant to fall in.
7. Thou canst swim if thou art being baptised in five feet of water and art only four feet tall.
8. Thou canst swim if thy snorkelling does not include intentions to catch and devour anything with a cloven fin.
9. Thou shalt not throw objects, splash, race or chase when in the water.
10. Thou shalt not squeal, laugh or smile while in water - Sabbath swimming is only ever for emergency or medicinal purposes.

Other passages found in the book of Nemo include prophecies of yellow submarines on rails, people selling rainwater in bottles and heaven having a huge outdoor pool with a 10-kilometre waterslide.

Fact: People who police Sabbath swimming rules are referred to as "lifesavers”.

What’s wrong with people who can’t spell?

The Edge, November 17, 2007

Spleling’s sloe prupsoe is to certae wrods. A wrod’s sloe prupsoe is to comuminctae a msesgae form its auhtor.

If somoene raeds a wrod and konws waht the atuhor maent, the wrod was 100 per cnet sucecsfsul—thus, so was the splelnig.
The oirgnial mesasge was comumniacted form one pesron to the ohter and we’re all hpapy. No corerspnodecne nedes to be enetred itno.
Spleling is olny a rceomemndtaion. Offiically, it is the ulitmtae and prefcet way to oredr the letetr seqeunce of a wrod but is not vtial in the wirtnig of taht wrod.
Jsut lkie wtih darwnig, the olny prefcet way to darw is idnetiaclly to the subejct. But if it’s not pcitrue prefcet, you can stlil tell waht the darwnig is of.
Now tkae tihs colmun. It is ridlded wtih spellnig cerativtiy but you can stlil undrestnad waht I am comumnciatnig to you. Thus you can see crorect spelilng is not as imoprtnat as you may hvae frist thuoght.
And so, the porbelm is wtih the reaedr, not the spleler. It is olny thsoe wtih solw mnids that are torubeld by seplling msitakes.
Thsee dsiadvnataged poeple comptue ecah letetr in a wrod and hvae to thnik bcak to scohol and dceide if tehy lerant that sequnece of letetrs.
Thsoe wtih fsat mnids can see a wrod and thier mnid isntatnly comptues the corerct wrod intneded by the autohr, wtihuot intreruption.
If you are a perosn who notcies mnay spelilng errros in dayto- day life, don’t be too disocuraegd. You are porbalby gitfed at cuontnig out luod qucikly.
Try it!

Did you know: The rules of the board game Scrabble originally allowed any spelling of a word to be used, as long as the other players could tell what the word was communicating.
While that is now banned, you can instead use words that noone knows the meaning of, as long as they are spelt correctly. That's just floccinaucinihilipilification!

What did Samson’s hair have to do with his strength?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Oct 13, 2007
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep11 - Express - Hope Channel

A strong argument that gels with everyone has yet to be found in this tangled debate.
Rather than commenting on how many Weet-Bix Samson did, the Bible prefers to talk about his hair being the source of his strength.
We know that if the secret to strength was just having long hair, the fairy tale about Rapunzel would have focused on her being able to carry around an entire castle (moat and all) under one arm and an entire set of Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories in the other.
Therefore, there must be more to strength than hair length.
There are three popular theories about Sampson’s strength and his hair:

ONE: It was a symbol of his dedication to God, who provided the strength as a result. This is the traditional explanation.

TWO: It was his hair that caused rage. He was teased for looking like a girl all through school, bullies pulled his hair, his mother wasn’t very gentle when brushing out knots, he had split ends, trying to run a restaurant was unsuccessful (every dish seemed to have a handful of hair in it) and he would catch his hair when ploughing the field. All this built up and you will see in the Bible he had several anti-joyful attitudinal moments, all caused from the built up anger caused by his hair. Thus, his strength got out of control.

THREE: The explanation that lathers best involves Samson using the hair strengthening shampoo "Steroidsilk." To the average user, this had no noticeable effect but because Sampson washed his hair after every meal (due to it falling into his food each time) and with the huge quantities of Steroidsilk needed each time—due to the amount of hair Samson had—it slowly absorbed into his body through osmosis. You will notice, when his hair was cut, no more washing and the effects wore off. Coincidence??

Random fact about Samson: According to Judges 15, Samson was the creator of Firefox, a fast way to access all the local farmers’ produce from one location.