Noah's Arkestra

An Orchestral Children's Story

Summary: A conductor tells the children of the audience a story about Noah’s Ark and the instruments keep interrupting with sound effects - to the apparent frustration of the conductor, who eventually plays along with it.

Conductor:

“How many of you have heard the story of Noah?”

[pause for a show of hands, then act surprised and disappointed as everyone already knows the story you were about to tell]

“Oh . . . all of you.”

[mutters as if disappointed that this isn't a new story for the kids] “Great” 

“Well, it’s my favorite story so you’re going to hear it again.

A long time ago, God spoke to a man named Noah. He told him he needed to build a huge boat to save some of the people and animals from a big flood that was coming.

So Noah and his sons started to chop down some trees.” [makes chopping motions with arm]

Drummer: SNARE, SNARE, SNARE, (calls out:) “TIMBERERRRR” LOWER TOMS & BASS DRUM thud.

Conductor: [looks around to the drummer with a confused glare - as if to communicate ‘what was that all about’]

Cutting Board Facts

The following silliness was written for a "Virtual Cutting Board" iPhone app Scott released in April 2012.

Whether you call them “cutting boards”, “chopping boards” or “the flat thingy you divide food up on”, a cutting board can be found in every kitchen that has one.

Chopping boards have been around since they were invented and can be bought in any shop that sells them. (You’ll find them in the isle with the items that are displayed next to them.)

Cutting boards are part of a large family, whose members include iron, surf, white, black, card, circuit, pin, chess, bulletin, diving, wake, snow and I’m.

The largest chopping board ever created was bigger than the second largest ever created.

The world record for the smallest chopping board is yet to be seen.

A Stairway to Heaven

 Scott Wegener looks at the facts and calculates the cost of a connection.   

Signs of the Times, Mar 2012

I have a talent for pointing out statements that are totally impractical.
On one occasion, I had a mother share her longing for a bridge that joined Australia and New Zealand. This was because her daughter had just moved away from her home in Sydney to Auckland.
I probably should have optimistically responded with something like, “Yeah, it would be nice to know that at any moment you could pop in your car and drive over and surprise her for a weekend visit. You must miss her so much – here’s a tissue.”
Instead, in my quest to rid the world of impractical verbal frivolities, I responded by issuing a reality check-which included some of the following:

Honour Your Father and Your Mother

Scott Wegener gets a hair-raising experience while trying to obey God’s fifth commandment for 28 days.

Signs of the Times, Jan-Feb 2012
US Signs of the Times, Feb 2012

It was quite evident that neither of us wanted to be around the other. But if I didn’t change his light bulb, he’d probably die that night. I use the term he loosely, because it isn’t that easy to tell whether a snake is male or female. He was coiled around a burned-out light bulb, which usually kept him warm, and now he was striking at me every time I got near his cage to change it.

The Greatest Sporting Comeback

Signs of the Times, September 2011.
 
There’s no shortage of remarkable sporting comebacks throughout history. Teams, or individuals, who fall so far behind at one point it seems impossible for them to win - yet through sheer determination, luck or a collapse by their opponents, they do. Down Under has taken part in our fair share of comebacks in the sporting arena, or collapses, as it may be. Here’s but a few of the greatest, and most tragic.

In the 1999 Rugby World Cup semifinal the French overran a powerful New Zealand side, which included the seemingly unstoppable Jonah Lomu. Though France was down 10-24 in the second half, in 30 minutes they scored 33 points, taking out the game 43-31.

Jesus' Soldiers

 Performance: Warburton Seventh-day Adventist Church - July 23, 2011
The brief given to Scott: A short play about Jesus death through the eyes of the soldiers.

Act 1: At the cross

Two soldiers are sitting back to back resting, both physically and emotionally tired - about an hour after Jesus was taken down from the cross.

Eve Remembers

Performance: Warburton Seventh-day Adventist Church - July 23, 2011
The brief given to Scott: A short play about how the world came into sin.

ABEL: Are you ok Mummy?  Why are you crying?

EVE: I’m ok, Abel. [Sniffs and swallows] I was just thinking about when we used to live in the Garden of Eden. Life was so much easier than now. I didn’t have to make all these clothes.
Your dad and I could be together all day, but now he has to go out and work all the time.

CAIN: Tell us what it was like in the garden, Mum.