Why does toast always land buttered side down?

The Edge, August 5, 2006

Scientists would have you believe it’s because there is not enough time for the toast to do a complete rotation when pushed off a waist-high bench.

Not enough time? Well, excuse me! It’s not like the toast has any other appointments to keep. Nor have I ever seen one looking at the kitchen clock then dash off. And how can you say there’s not enough time for a measly piece of toast when hundreds of millions and billions of years worth of “enough time” is claimed to have been available for atoms to grow brains and turn into humans?
It’s stupidity to claim that given long enough anything is possible, actually.
Would two parallel lines meet, given long enough to decide it’s pointless for them both to continue on simultaneously?
Would the moon turn to grated cheese and pop itself inside a snap-lock bag, given long enough?
How about a pencil turning into a live, dancing pink elephant, wearing a black glow-in-the-dark tutu?
I’ll give you as many years as you want—IT WON’T HAPPEN.
And another thing, while we’re on the topic of quillions of years: Scientists claim “between 100 and 200 million years” for this and that. Nice one guys! Imagine if a weather forecaster said, “Tomorrow’s top temperature will be between minus 25 million degrees and positive 75 million degrees.
Or one’s partner comes in and asks, “When will you buy me flowers?” “Oh, sometime between tomorrow and 100 billon years, Luv.” Really useful!
If scientists claim these hiddemungious time frames and think they deserve respect for every other “finding,” then I’m sorry, you’ve lost me!
Oh yeah, toast, Marmite, floor . . . almost forgot.
Basically Marmite, like all other spreads applied to crispy bread, become “floormatised” from the knife running over it. Simple as that.
It’s safest to leave your toast on your bench spread side down. Not only will the toast never hit the floor spread down, but it won’t slide off the bench either!

Interesting Fact: For some reason, a thick coating of honey is the only spread that will never land spread side down if knocked off a waist-high bench.

55 Words

Melbourne's Herald Sun - July 11, 2006

Barrels poised, ready to shoot, for one task we've been carefully planned.
Ensure the way for the commander is clear, we await the signalling hand.
Much distress when our ammo runs out, just when we're needed most.
It's hard to push forward when our windscreen's not clean, and no water to squirt from our post.

Why are there always carrots when . . .?

The Edge, June 17, 2006

An interesting phenomenon to digest indeed. For years, many theories of the origin and intent of being able to emit carrots have been thrown up.

These theories ranged from the carrots being an indication that you need stronger glasses to them being a sign of the curse of Cain (remember his downfall was sparked by an incident with carrots).
It wasn’t until Jonah that the actual origin and intention of these carroty cubes was discovered.
While Jonah was in the belly of the whopper, no doubt bored with playing “eye spy” and “go fish” with himself, his internal wonderings brought forth several intriguing discoveries.
One was the ability to make a fish burp if you jump up and down in its stomach. Another was the discovery of a mouthwash that did wonders for the teeth, but not the breath.
What we’re interested in though is the little door he found labelled “In case of swallowing, open door.” Upon opening this compartment (and whether it was really an emergency or not, we can ask him in heaven), Jonah discovered a bowl of steamed, diced carrots.
It seems there is a special gland, what we know now as the swollowden starven gland, in the stomachs of living creatures for those who are, for whatever reason, swallowed alive.
Such glands have since been found in the stomachs of sharks, crocodiles, dinosaurs and leaches.
(Note: the dinosaur’s allergic intolerance to carrots ultimately played a part in their extinction—you can read about that here.)
Scientists have since found that to keep the carrots fresh the reserves are emptied daily into the stomach, where they digest as normal food does.
This means that if you happen to find yourself bowing down to your bathroom facilities in the hours after your gland has been cleansed, then there is a high possibility you will find the orange morsels materialising.
My apologies for the unpleasantness of this topic but there are many things in life we have to deal with on earth until we get home—just like bellybutton lint.

Interesting Fact: A carrot takes 70-80 days to grow to maturity—then they stop teasing the leeks about their name.

The Fruit of Love

Surely we aren't expected to have to go to such an extent.

CQ May 15, 2006

LOGOS

Which path to salvation? (Ephesians 2:8; John 3:16)
Throughout the Bible we are given laws and instructions on how to live our life in favour of the Lord: things to do, things not to do. However verses like John 3:16 and Ephesians 2:8 appear at the surface level to make those rules optional. According to these verses we are saved by grace and through our belief and faith in our loving God…and that’s it! No mention of any conditions or of having to do anything else after accepting the grace God gives us, having faith and believing in him. Could it be that we’re saved and that’s it. It sounds like this path is much easier then the other option of trying to keep all those rules. But what if we are saved by grace and not work? At what point do we know we have enough faith to be considered saved?

How can I have an effect on world hunger?

The Edge, May 13, 2006

First, I assume you mean positive effect—that is, trying to reduce world hunger (or should that be negative effect, taking it away . . . hmmm?).
It’s overwhelming to think of the entire world’s hugenormous hunger problem but here’s an example of how one boy’s actions led to a great result.
While playing kick-to-kick with himself, Leo accidentally booted the ball into a duck flying past (yes, this animal was harmed in the making of this story), which sent it to a spiralling death, landing on the helmet of the front rider of a tandem bike.
They steered to a wobbly stop, leaving the back of the bike hanging over a train line.
The approaching train breaks with emergency and causes Mavis, in seat 2G of carriage three, to lose control of her reading dentures, which shot down the aisle, causing the ticket inspector to slip and throw his tickets in the air.
The resulting scramble for free tickets, as they fell like snow, caused a businessman, who was sitting in the middle of all the commotion, to lose his job, as he was on the phone insisting to his boss that he was sick in bed.
His replacement turned up to work the next day with a pen in his pocket, which happened to leak ink in the shape of a pig—unbeknown to him.
Plagued all day with mysterious small talk about pigs from other employees, who innocently thought he liked pigs due to his shirt’s insignia, he took offence (being a larger man) and reported the business to authorities for harassment.
The harassment claims officer, in his submission of the complaint to the employer, sent the letter to 1 / 20 Cecil St instead of 120 Cecil St, where one very confused self-employed toothpick whittler vowed to represent himself in court.
On the way to court his car broke down on the on-ramp to the freeway, causing one very animated Mr Winterbottom, in the car behind, to miss the official opening of duck season, which only he could declare open, thus many ducks’ lives were saved.

The moral: One duck had to die to save the rest? Nice, but no. If you make the effort to get the ball rolling, you can make a difference!

How did Moses cross the Red Sea?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Mar 25, 2006
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep7 - Experience - Hope Channel

One can ask why Moses crossed the Red Sea (because chickens can’t swim? to retrieve his Aerobie? . . . ) but most people, however, only worry over how he did it—a question that has divided Sabbath school teachers and kids through song for years.

The song, which has various sets of words depending on which church you attend, asks, “Did he walk?” and answers, “No, no!” This demolishes the commonly believed concept that the waters parted and Moses walked across, one foot in front of the other.
Did he jump across? Not unless he had a trail bike and a 200 m ramp. YEEEEEEHAAAAAA!!!!
Maybe he hopped? There’s no mention of empty potato sacks being utilised for this mode of transport either. No? No? No! NO!
Maybe he ran—being excited and all . . . nope. An old knee injury prevented that.
Did he use a giant papyrus glider to fly across? No. Scholars say Moses was probably the type to get air- and seasick—resulting from his bulrushes experience. An ark had been “so done before” anyway and probably wouldn’t have made the Bible as a story.
So how did he get across?
According to the ancient song, “God blew with his wind (puff, puff, puff, puff . . . just enough nuff nuff) and through the sea He made a path.” but the song pretty much ends its helpfulness there.
Exodus 14:22 says there was a wall of water on each side, kind of like a half-pipe. Maybe Moses wakeboarded up and down the walls all the way across?
Actually, according to Exodus 13:19, Moses was carrying the bones of Joseph around. As with trying to carry an armful of firewood, dropping one piece causes two more to drop while picking up the first. Moses must have had the same problem with old Jo’s bones, so couldn’t have been frivolous in his crossing.
Tunnelling is not a possibility. You can imagine the cost of the tolls to take all the Israelites through. Oh, and the emissions from all the sheep in the tunnel . . . phewff, no thanks!
The only reasonable explanation left is teleportation, which funnily enough doesn’t work over water, hence the parting of the sea. It was a common form of travel back then, spoken as, “to ‘tell’ someone to go somewhere.” Check out Exodus 14:15, 16.
Whatever the actual answer, it’s a truly remarkable story that demonstrates God’s power to get people out of a tricky situation.

But I didn’t do anything . . .

"I decided to keep silent and see what happened next." 

 RECORD, March 4, 2006

I feel a little guilty. I’m not sure if I should; you be the judge.