A fun drama skit on the theme Father's Day and how ill equipped new fathers can be for the unique challenges ahead.
MICHAEL: Hi, I’m Michael [shakes hand]
JIM: Hi, Jim.
MICHAEL: Nice to meet you, Jim, take a seat.... So, you’ve applied for the position of…Dad?!
JIM: [nervously] Yeah
MICHAEL: Have you had any experience as a Dad before?
JIM: No, not yet. But I’m eager to learn.
MICHAEL: Oh! First time as a Dad…… [doubtful] I see…..
JIM: [pause] ….You’ve got to start somewhere, right?
MICHAEL: Yes, well… It’s generally best to have experience before becoming a Dad
JIM: I know, I just haven’t had the opportunity before. I’m really keen to learn though.
MICHAEL: So, what is it that made you want to apply to be a Dad?
JIM: My wife actually, she was keen for me to apply. You know what they say, happy wife happy life.
MICHAEL: Ha! Yes, right. So let’s see: Have you any experience cleaning up Mucus? Sputum? Urine? Feces?
JIM: What?
MICHAEL: You know, snotty gobbles, spew spew, wee wees, poo poos. Any experience with such things?
JIM: Um, only my own – [nervous laugh] Like the other day after I ate some rotten berries…
MICHAEL: [cuts off] That’s ok! Thanks Jim. Right. And have you any experience spoon feeding small monkeys?
JIM: Umm, no?
MICHAEL: What about steering a wheelbarrow though crowded and cramp shops?
JIM: No.
MICHAEL: And how about telling jokes that are not overly funny.
JIM: Oh, yep.
MICHAEL: Have you an example?
JIM: Oh, um, sure. Umm, [thinks] I once told a nephew of mine not to get wet when they were going swimming?
MICHAEL: [pause as if unimpressed] …. [impressed] Perfect! And how are you at translating mumbly speech?
JIM: I’m sorry?
MICHAEL: That’s a no. And are you willing to put your life in your child’s hands as they learn to drive?
JIM: Oh, errr. Probably?
MICHAEL: Ok? Are you capable of creating sandwiches every weekday for 12 years straight?
JIM: Sure, I guess.
MICHAEL: Have you got the willpower to get up when it’s still dark and wake a hibernating bear and get it dressed and fed in time to attend before-school sports or music rehearsals?
JIM: Suuuure…?
MICHAEL: Are you able to remain positively encouraging though first year violin lessons?
JIM: Sure, how bad can it be…..
MICHAEL: Serious?[grimaces for a moment] ….and have you any experience in kissing bloody gravel filled wounds?
JIM: Yeah, I was a skateboarder as a kid… and not a very good one.
MICHAEL: Oh, very good. Um, so, any questions at all?
JIM: Sure, so, if I’m selected, what would be my first tasks?
MICHAEL: [slowly turns to stare at the audience for a moment and then back again] We’ll…. First….. first you’ll… go though a brief induction process at home. If that’s successful, you’ll have several months waiting around before you actually get started into the role, and then you’ll be straight into all fatherly duties.
JIM: I see, and what days would I be working then?
MICHAEL: Pretty much you’ll be on duty 7 days a week for the first few years straight.
JIM: Oh I see. What hours will I be working exactly?
MICHAEL: That can depend on your child, but for the first few years – usually most of them. But you’re welcome to get family to stand in for you as needed, here and there.
JIM: Ok . Well… I suppose we should talk pay?
MICHAEL: Pay, Of course! It will be about $600 a month which…
JIM: Oh right…
MICHAEL: …you’ll be paying to be a Dad.
JIM: I’m sorry? I’ll be paying?
MICHAEL: Yes.
JIM: What? That doesn’t seem fair! All the work and no pay?
MICHAEL: Yeah, best if you can keep your day job!
JIM: What do I get from all this then?
MICHAEL: Nothing initially, except some glimpses of joy, here and there. But when you’re much, much older, [gleefully] all going well, your child will come and feed you once and a while. [grins]
JIM: Oh? [pause] I see.
MICHAEL: Ok then, well thanks for applying. Seems like you’re as well qualified as any of our new dad applicants are. So, all going well, you’ll be a dad in no time at all.
JIM: Great, I guess…? . So you’ll contact me then, to let me know I’ve been successful?
MICHAEL: No. You’re wife will let you know. [leaves] Good luck buddy!
Performance:
Castle Hill Seventh-day Adventist Church - September 2, 2023