How do you know if you are a prophet?

The Edge, August 16, 2008

Many people are at a loss to know if they are a prophet.

However, there are some simple tests to know if you have made it to prophet status or are a plain old dreamer.

Recognising Disconcerting Visions or Dreams (DVDs) is one way to spot your propheteering attributes. Basically, a real DVD should make no sense at all but burn itself into your memory.

For example, a regular dream might involve seeing yourself meeting Mickey Mouse, while a DVD would involve seeing yourself meeting Mickey Mouse, who has a head of gold that is covered in horns, and is ironing his clay shoes while singing a Rolling Stones song.

Other signs that you’re a certified prophet include these common symptoms:

• When you are writing, a voice in your head points out most spelling, grammatical and factual errors.
• Everyone you curse out loud gets attacked by bears.
• The song Chariots of Fire runs through your head when you see a plane fly over.
• Senior people continually quote you out of context in aid of rebuking young people.
• You know lottery numbers in advance but your stance against gambling means you never buy a ticket.
• Almost everyone doesn’t appreciate your advice, which is always confronting but right.
• All TV, movies, books, sermons, sports and “who done it”evenings are tediously predictable.
• Every time you think about avoiding a task that comes to mind, you suddenly smell rotting fish and feel a little sea sick.

If any of the above are a part of your life, congratulations— you’re most likely a prophet. If not, we’re sorry but daydreaming is not tax deductable for you.

Having now read all this, we have inspired you to become a prophet—don’t call God, He’ll call you! 

Interesting Fact: If you are a prophet then ... well ... you know the rest.

Air Rage

Being quick to judge is rarely beneficial. Scott Wegener shares a window of learning in his experience.

Signs of the Times, July 2008
Aussie Stories, 2009Aussie Stories for Blokes, 2013

Should a plane I’m in lose its wings and start to plummet to earth, I’d probably exclaim, “Wow, this is much better than ‘zooming’ on Google Earth!”

Because of my love of aerial photos, the opportunity to fly always brings an un-normal urgency to secure a window seat. One time, this urge brought out an uglier side of me I didn’t know existed.

What is the will of God?

The Edge, June 21, 2008

For some, this is the ultimate question. People would pay a fortune to know and be a part of the will of God. What these people fail to realise is God is never going to die! So what does it matter what’s in God’s will? However, if God were to die, just to satisfy the askee, this is what God would leave to his children:

• 1447 “Instant Galaxy Mix” sachets
• 77,712 pallet loads of “Gravity in a Box”
• 707 KWs of “Lightning in a Can”
• 712 “Let there be Light”TM bulbs of various apparent magnitudes 
• One giant “Heaven Army Knife”—recently sharpened
• 127 kilometres of aluminium foil
• 12,144 tons of gold pavers
• The only copy of the billion-page Book Of Life (made out of 100 per cent recycled paper) The entire collection of Weet-Bix collector card sets
• A BMW M12
• 2324 robes of light
• 4648 slippers of light
• The complete Gaither Homecoming HeavenRay-disk collection
• The number 42
• Seven never-been-used, gold plated, monogrammed hankies 
• Three “always existed” certificates
• A 12-player foosball table
• 4040 angels at command
• 12 “holiday” universes
• Heaven (complete with BIW’s and LUG)
• One manna fondue set

Liabilities:

1. You must remember to pick up earth’s humans, give them an extreme makeover and bring them home to heaven.
2. You must later relocate them back to earth, after giving earth a serious Backyard Blitz, and house them—happily ever after.
3. Run all the other universes
4. Tell a children’s story once a quarter.

Interesting Fact: None of God’s assets are covered by insurance if damaged by Himself.

Know it? Do it!

Imagine a world that studied and lived by Jesus’ teachings.

CQ, April 23, 2008

HOW-TO
Ps. 18:30

To have a positive effect on this world, Jesus’ teachings cannot merely be acknowledged and left to gather dust.They must be acted upon. So how can we act upon Jesus’ teachings to change ourselves, others, and the world for the better?

What is truth? And how does it relate to potatoes?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Apr 19, 2008
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep6 - Emmanuel - Hope Channel

While this question was made famous by Pilate, it is the motto of “Scott’s Silly Answers”—as you’ll soon see.
Jesus says “I am the way, the truth and the life,” however, those who choose not to believe Him use the “DaTruth Code” to discover an alternate answer.

The code is as follows:

It is said “The truth hurts” and the one thing most commonly referred to as hurting is childbirth.
Childbirth has a connection with the “birds and the bees” and bees make honey, which is sticky. Sticky tape is an alternative to Blu-Tack, which, on appearance, not taste, can be substituted with bubblegum.
Bubbles are created by dishwashing detergent, and a lot of detergent is needed when washing pots where soup has burnt onto the bottom. Soup is often served at church lunches, which is a “godsend” after a long sermon.
Often people can be found sleeping during long sermons, and there are many people in the world who snore while sleeping.
"It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring” is a saying we’ve all heard, and is closely linked to the clue about it “raining cats and dogs.” Cats and dogs don’t get along, often fighting, and those who fight for a profession are called firefighters.
Fires are most commonly started by matches and you must strike a match to get fire. Tenpin bowling’s most desired outcome is a strike, where 10 pins are knocked down in one shot.
This points to humans, having 10 fingers and 10 toes, totalling 20. Now 20 divided by X = Y and “why?” is the question most often asked by small children—and they are notorious for filling their nappies with something resembling pumpkin soup.
Pumpkin is a popular vegetable but slightly less so than potatoes, which most people desire in one form or another, just like truth.
Thus, truth is a potato.

Frustrating Fact: This sentence is a lie.

What is the best praying position?

• Video segment - Edge TV Ep5 - Encounter - Hope Channel
• (This Scott's Silly Answers segment never appeared in The Edge magazine.)

Is it lawful to swim on the Sabbath?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Feb 16, 2008
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep1 - Enjoy - Hope Channel

The argument in favour of swimming on Sabbath has gathered buoyancy in recent years but people can still be found rowing over the issue.

The little-known book of Nemo—which for some reason didn’t make it into the Bible—has 10 Swimandments. This most likely explains where the regulations for sacred swimming have come from, as the Bible isn’t specific in specifically specifying any specifications.

The 10 Swimandments are as follows:

1. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 30oC but only up to thy ankles.
2. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 35oC but only up to thy knees.
3. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 40oC but only up to thy waist.
4. Thou canst enter water if the temperature is above 45oC but only up to thy neck.
5. Thou can swim to save thyself if thou accidentally falleth into a lake, ocean, river or wall of water. However, thou shalt not fall in accidentally-on-purpose.
6. Thou can swim to save a manservant or maidservant who falleth into a lake, ocean, river or wall of water but thou shalt not cause thy manservant or maidservant to fall in.
7. Thou canst swim if thou art being baptised in five feet of water and art only four feet tall.
8. Thou canst swim if thy snorkelling does not include intentions to catch and devour anything with a cloven fin.
9. Thou shalt not throw objects, splash, race or chase when in the water.
10. Thou shalt not squeal, laugh or smile while in water - Sabbath swimming is only ever for emergency or medicinal purposes.

Other passages found in the book of Nemo include prophecies of yellow submarines on rails, people selling rainwater in bottles and heaven having a huge outdoor pool with a 10-kilometre waterslide.

Fact: People who police Sabbath swimming rules are referred to as "lifesavers”.