Where do babies come from?

The Edge, August 22, 2009

This question is most often asked by kids—or parents with five or more children. Some avoid the truth by making ridiculous statements, such as, “They come from a cabbage patch,” which explains why many kids don’t like eating green leafy vegetables—it’s too much like cannibalism.

However, it’s better to just come out with the truth about where babies come from.

There is no point beating around the bush.

I mean, you should just say it like it is.

Don’t be afraid to tell kids exactly where babies come from.

There is no point in avoiding the question.

And don’t be embarrassed by the truth.

Shying away from the answer is just cowardly.

You’d be surprised how many macho men will go to any lengths to give anything but the real answer and, likewise, macho women.

A straightforward answer about the origin of babies should always be given. You don’t want the child to end up thinking you don’t know yourself—that would be more embarrassing than the actual answer.

And making up a silly answer to such important questions can be bad for their health. Especially if your explanation involves driving a car on a rainy evening at a speed above the speed limit, while drinking, texting, smoking and juggling chainsaws—all at once.
Just be bold and give a direct answer.

And don’t go and change the subject either—some people do that to avoid the uncomfortable situation.
I had a couch once that was uncomfortable. We ended up buying a new one, which was much nicer. It matched the carpet in our lounge room. You’d be surprised how many people don’t even consider the benefits of a carefully-selected couch and carpet ensemble.

The resulting harmonised Tai Chi of the room has been known to increase fertility—which is great if you want to grow cabbages in your lounge room.

Facts: When Adam and Eve awoke after each of their creations, they found themselves in a vegie patch—in among the cabbages. Being the first humans, technically, we can say all babies have come from this cabbage patch. Also, a caesarean was originally “a type of salad (or mix up) of lettuce-y leaves,” which now describes complicated child births.

What is the best way to evangelise?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Jun 20, 2009
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep13 - Evangelism - Hope Channel

Over the millennia, many methods of proclaiming the all powerful love of God have been attempted. This has resulted in refining our techniques for “bringing in the sheaves” down to one foolproof, time-saving, money-guarding, life-giving, lawnmowing, tooth-picking, potato-mashing method of evangelism.

Before we knew the way of milk and honey, humanity of the Christian kind has tried:

• Street preaching—but very few streets have been known to give their pavers to Christ.
• Prison singing ministries—but getting everyone into prison before they can be sung to heaven was the problem.
• Revelation seminars—which have simply provided the hunting movement with more recruits who are frightened of the beasts, particularly the ones with many heads.
• Ark building—a favourite with the animals but no-one else.
• Telly evangelism—but with the current qualitylessness state of television, it ain’t working.
• Doorknocking—while successful for a time, is now patented by police forces, who’ve come up with even more effective methods of getting doors opened—a missed opportunity for Christians.
• Vegetarian cooking classes—simply made longer-living atheists.
• And the ever-courageous living by example but don’t say a word genus, which was considered to be lacking in “sales.”

Having dismissed all other methods, the ultimate way of evangelism can be summarised in three words: letterboxing.

If you’re running a prophecy seminar, letterbox.
If you’re running a health seminar, letterbox.
If you’re running a tree hugging seminar, letterbox.
If you’re running a table tennis seminar, letterbox.
If you are running a seminar on letterboxing, letterbox.
If you see an old friend who has left the church, letterbox them.
If you yourself have started to slip away from the church, letterbox yourself.

The only occasion you would not letterbox someone is if they didn’t have a letterbox. In that case, you would do the Christian thing—go and buy them a letterbox.

Interesting Fact: The all-time record for letterboxing is held by Jesus. While He didn’t do it all Himself, He was clever enough to organise a worldwide church to “Go and letterbox all nations” on His behalf— and they have!

What happens when you die?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, May 2, 2009
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep2 - End - Hope Channel

The age-old question of what happens after you die has never been successfully buried. However, because the Bible refers to death being like a sleep, we can begin to understand the many side effects death has.

If death is like a sleep, this means—for some—death will bring much tossing and turning. This explains why coffins have padding on the inside. If there was no padding, those who tossed and turned all millennium would be covered in bruises and splinters at the Second Coming—until their eyes twinkled, anyway.

Others, as they sleep, will have dreams of speaking in public while dressed only in their funeral underwear or dream of flying into objects—probably as a result of their pallbearers not being of equal height.

Some will erupt into snoring upon their death, meaning family plots are not necessarily the best idea. This is why people are buried under six feet of dirt. It was figured out around 4000 BC that six feet of dirt is needed to fully muffle the sound of the loudest snorer. For dinosaurs, it’s much deeper to muffle old Rex’s snoring—and it is due to being so deep, and the resonances of the snoring, that they have turned into fossils.

The least side effects are had by those who are cremated, only having to endure a brief onset of “hot pillow” syndrome.

However, cremation is the most costly method of preservation for God, as He has to keep careful track of all your ashes for reconstruction at the Resurrection. Those who are scattered at sea are the biggest cataloguing challenge—but nothing is impossible with God.

Finally, regarding “heading toward the light” when you die.

It’s well worth approaching the light because it could be either God’s throne, which is a spectacular sight to witness; a train, which will take you across the universe to visit all the other worlds; or it’ll be Jesusland, a theme park created by Jesus Himself that has themed lands, including Parableland, Eternityland and Discipletown. Either way, take sunscreen.

Tip: Or you could just believe what the Bible has to say about it—”the dead know nothing” (Ecclessiastes 9:5)— and trust God to sort it out from there.

What's the worst that can happen?

The Edge, February 28, 2009

If you have ever been compelled to do something but hesitated because of unknown consequences, let me put you at ease by sharing the worst-case scenario of any situation.

The moment you partake in the activity of mystery, a person of overenthusiastic lawfulness will tackle you to the ground, breaking your leg and ear bones, and zapping you repeatedly with their electric cattle prod keyring until police arrive.

The police throw you in their car, bumping your head on the exhaust pipe on the way in.

After spending 40 days in a cell with six deodorant-deprived TV gameshow hosts—who give commentary about every single moment of the day, and stress how important every decision is—you are given your one phone call.

The call is answered by your partner’s mother, who comes down to sort things out—only she proceeds to tell the officers other crimes you’ve committed, mistaking your life with the person in the crime novel she’s been reading—Vicious Felonies.

Thus the police upgrade your holding cell to a one-metre octangular cell, which is infested with leeches and is starting to fill with acid from the bottom, while spikes are lowering from the roof and air from Rotorua, NZ, fills the cell.

A pastoral visit from the prison chaplain gives you an irrefutable revelation that the Bible was wrong and every single human being will burn forever and ever in a fiery hell, except Jesus, who was the only one to fulfil prophecy correctly.

Added to all this, your original wrongdoing had started a chain-reactive virus that tickles the entire world’s human, animal and plant life to a slow and hilarious death.

At this time you wake up to realise this was all a dream but then find out you are a prophet and this is merely a vision of how your day will turn out.

Interesting Fact: Things could have been worse for Job. If he had become unemployed at the same time all the bad stuff was happening to him he would have also lost his name!

What is God's email address?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Nov 22, 2008
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep8 - E-life - Hope Channel

You may be surprised to hear that God has an email address—many in fact. Every evening, He checks His email after the dishes are done.

His very first email address was <God@trinity.hv>. There is also a <Jesus@trinity.hv> and <HolySpirit@trinity.hv>.

Due to spam, God now also has: <universemaster@creators.uv>, <admin@earth.mw>, <ok_giver@help.me>, <i_am@i_ am.iam>, <shepard1@flock.baa> and <smarty_pants@mensa.com>. Email accounts God has closed down include: <info@ ceremoniallaw.bc> and <repent@thefloodiscoming.doom>.

God’s current personal email address, for Trinitarian use only, is <love.rules77@gmail.com>.

God uses an Apple PC laptop He bought from the future after they merged. It has a 2.6 zettabyte processor, more RAM than at an Israelite “forgiveness fest” and 144,000 hard drives that are 12 yottabytes (to the power of seven tredecillion) each in storage capacity. His screen has a resolution of 1024 quintillion by 768 quintillion, and the total thickness of the laptop is .5mm.

When docked to His throne’s desktop, He uses a cordless lightning mouse with a heat-resistant asbestos 2.0 mouse mat (not dangerous like the asbestos 1.0 version) and has a centillion DPI 3-D printer.

He has an F1-smart internet connection that loads everything one day into the future before it is wanted.

God has been into computing since He was a boy, when He enjoyed pulling them apart to see how they worked. His first programming effort was a simple program that wrote “hello world” across the universe with the stars.

His favourite game, before The Sims series came out, was Tetris. Hours of practice proved to be very handy when it was time to build the New Jerusalem, which is one big cube.

“Book of Life” is the social networking system He spends hours on and always has the instant messaging system “Prayer Live” running.

Did you know: God sold the 'Gmail' domain (originally standing for God mail) to Google in 2004 for an undisclosed amount of money. It is reported to have funded the creation of several solar systems in a universe called “Botszealand.”

The Pathfinder Memory Folder

Performance: Victorian Pathfinder Rally Day, 2008
The brief given to Scott: A play that showcases the year's memorable Pathfinder activities 

Cast:
•    PF - Pathfinder (curious and initially cautious)
•    CON - Conscience (Cheerful, obliging)
•    MM - Memory mime (over enthusiastic mime actor)

[PF is walking across stage and a warning buzzer goes off causing them to freeze on the spot.]

Con: [calls out with authority]
 “memory full, please free up some memory, say ‘Ok’ to continue.”
PF: OK? . . .
[looks confused and starts moving again] Where am I?
[Con makes his way to PF]
Con: This is your memory.
[Stretches arms out and spins around slowly as if pleased with the place]

Why is popping bubble wrap so much fun?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Oct 10, 2008
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep4 - Egregious - Hope Channel

Bubble wrap has been around since Creation. It was found in the Garden of Eden, used in particular to protect the fruit on the tree of knowledge of good and evil from Adam and Eve. Unfortunately, it actually ended up tempting Eve to come closer to pop the bubble wrap and thus drew attention to the fruit.

Some theologians say almost everything in the Garden of Eden was wrapped in bubble wrap so nothing could get damaged and no-one could get hurt. When sin came along, the bubble wrap was confiscated.

Bubble wrap was also used on Noah’s ark to protect the woolly mammoths and handpainted periwinkles. Uzza spent months insisting the Ark of the Covenant needed bubble wrapping for its transportation, and the pyramids were delivered preconstructed, wrapped in bubble wrap.

But why do we enjoy popping bubble wrap so much?

Psychologists say it relates back to childhood. The less our parents praised us as a child, the more we enjoy popping bubble wrap. Popping bubble wrap gives an instant pop of praise and congratulation, leading to a feeling of achievement.

But sociologists say the bubble bursting is because we just want to be like everyone else. Society tells us that popping bubble wrap is fun and if you don’t enjoy it, you won’t fit in with everyone else who pops bubble wrap.

Popping bubble wrap is possibly bigger than you think. The fear of popping bubble wrap is called “popphobia,” while those who are addicted to it are known as “poppaholics.” Those who study bubble wrap popping are known as “poppologists,” who study “poppology.”

There are world bubble-wrap popping tours but these tours obviously steer clear of the 13 countries where it is illegal to pop bubble wrap.

Interesting Fact: If we took all the bubble wrap on Earth to Mars and popped it, there would be enough air released into the atmosphere to allow a city of 1 million people to live for 37 seconds.