How much wood would a woodcuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Nov 5, 2005
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep12 - Endure - Hope Channel

The Edge,

Actually, a woodchuck would chuck no wood since a woodchuck can’t chuck wood. But if a woodchuck could chuck and would chuck some amount of wood, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

Well, even if a woodchuck could chuck wood and even if a woodchuck would chuck wood, should a woodchuck chuck wood?—That’s the question we should really ask ourselves.
The reality is, a woodchuck should chuck wood as long as a woodchuck could chuck wood and as long as a woodchuck would chuck wood.
To answer the initial question, however, we must first have a closer look at what it is really asking. The dictionary has several meanings of the word chuck. Tap, throw and vomit are just a few of its definitions. Also, a “woodchuck,” as discovered in my research, is actually a groundhog, weasel or whistle pig.
Finally, we should also be sure of the definition of “wood.” This can mean either the hard, fibrous substance beneath the bark of a tree, a golf club or a keg.
And so by substituting these terms into the question I’ve come up with three possibilities of what the question is actually intending to ask, answering each.

Question 1: How much hard, fibrous substance beneath the bark of a tree would a ground hog tap if a ground hog would tap the hard, fibrous substance beneath the bark of a tree?
Answer: Enough to produce a handful of sawdust.

Question 2: How much of a keg would a weasel throw if a weasel would throw a keg?
Answer: Enough to hold a handful of sawdust.

Question 3: How much of a golf driver would a whistle pig vomit if a whistle pig would vomit a golf driver?
Answer: Enough to require a handful of sawdust.

While we can speculate until the woodchuck chucks, which definitions the question intends, the only thing we know for sure is that if you see a woodchuck about to chuck wood, you’d better either be wearing safety goggles and an apron or stand well back.

My cubbyhouse in heaven

"Like cubbyhouses as a kid? Imagine what kind of cubbies could be in heaven!"

 RECORD, October 22, 2005

Cubbyhouses are fun. Not only playing in them but building them too. Do you have, or have you ever
had, a cubbyhouse? I’ve always wanted a treehouse but only ever had one on the ground.

How many Weet-Bix does it take to change a lightbulb?

The Edge, September 17, 2005

This requires some explanation but is a valid question that many are quick to dismiss as a joke. First, did you know that if all the Weet-Bix eaten in Australia in 2004 were laid end-to-end it would be a very expensive exercise and a logistical nightmare to construct (not to mention the minor side effect of THE ENTIRE OCEAN BEING SOAKED UP!).

Sanitarium claims this cereal of ‘Bix would stretch almost three times around the equator. When asked for hard evidence, they admitted they hadn’t actually tried it but in theory it worked out.
Well, we all know evolution is also a theory and it’s when we combine these two theories we find our answer.
Using evolution’s theory, we discover that by the time our friendly “soy-milk soakers” were laid out around the world three times the final, humble Weet-Bic (the singular of the plural, Weet-Bix) in the line would have evolved into a light bulb. Therefore, in answer to the initial question, it takes an entire year’s worth of Weet-Bix to create a light bulb that can be used to replace the original (BTW: this will have to take place over billions of years).
The first instance of a light bulb being changed is recorded in the first chapter of Genesis. “Let there be light,” God said, and there it appeared. Since then, humans have been searching to find a way to change light bulbs with the same ease as God did. We’ve experimented widely over the years and the results of Irish, blondes or accountants changing light bulbs all seem to lack the relaxed nature God’s method involved.
Some of the most disastrous attempts at changing light bulbs have involved marshmallows, asthma pumps and V8 pogo sticks. However, the most catastrophic attempt happened only recently (you may have seen it in the news), which involved a tractor, two goldfish, a hair dryer and disco ball. Since the accident, all further experimentation has been postponed indefinitely. While Huey was able to swim again with the aid of a “swimming frame,” Duey had to be flushed down the looy.

Friendly advice: While fish may appear to like eating Weet-Bix, don’t put too many to your fishbowl at once (and never add So Good).

James Morrison's Soul Music

Scott Wegener talks with a man who likes his music with two kinds of “gospel.”

Signs of the Times cover article, September 2005.

There’s no denying the musical talent of James Morrison. Not only does he play several instruments, he can play them with amazing rapidity, multi-octave versatility, creative improvisation and, most importantly, emotion. (Just listen to his rendering of “The Old Rugged Cross,” for example.) Taken together, it’s not surprising, then, he’s among the best-loved musicians in the world.

Where does belly button lint come from?

 The Edge, August 13, 2005

< Only recently has the “fluffis outis,” or “lint gland,” as it’s more commonly known, been discovered—and by accident too (the surgeon had to go “back in” looking for his watch). Your lint gland sits just below the surface of your bellybutton, shaped a little like an apple core. div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Your lint gland works similarly to a fairy-floss machine, and can be heard at work if you place you ear on your stomach. The yearly production of lint ranges from as little as .074 grams and, in some rare instances, up to a whopping 2.8 tonnes of lint. It all depends on how charismatic a person’s gland is.
A lot of internal pressure is needed to create lint. If the pressure drops below an “acceptable” level for creating lint, your lint gland will initiate a convulsing sensation—what we call hiccups. This spasm helps maintain enough pressure to keep the lint creation process running smoothly. Holding your breath during a time such as this helps to stabilise the pressure, usually stopping the hiccuping process. (Note: people who hiccup for long periods, even after holding their breath, most likely have a pressure leak somewhere under their arms—usually caused by corrosive deodorant.)
So why do we have bellybutton lint? Well, it has numerous applications.
Evolutionists have always claimed, and still do, that the lint is all that now remains from our evolutionary time as a guinea pig. Some countries have known for centuries the high nutritional value of bellybutton lint. With its high concentrate of folate and chicken-like taste, they serve it as an exotic delicacy to those who can afford it (apparently it tastes great with soya sauce and honey). In some of the colder-climate countries, people make garments out of lint, which is proven to be up to 40 per cent warmer than sheep’s wool. Other civilisations have been known to use lint for housing, communication, recreation and transport.
So it seems that bellybutton lint really is nature’s own Swiss army knife.

Reader's Question: Why is the lint blue?

A. A healthy human produces a dark blue lint. The less healthy the lighter in colour it gets.
I believe the dark blue colour in the lint is from the gases that react in the “fluffis outis” gland . This is for the same reason the gasses in the air make the sky look blue also.

INTERESTING FACT: The fear of being consumed by bellybutton lint is called bellyfluffobia. These people are colloquially refered to as “navel gazers” and constantly stare at their bellybutton to make sure none develops. As they say, “A watched button never fluffs”.

The Big Brother Disgrace

"But . . . having all this knowledge, we still slip up in full view of our Judge." 

  RECORD, August 6, 2005

Why did God create mosquitoes?

• Scott's Silly Answers Column - The Edge magazine, Jun 18, 2005
• Video segment - Edge TV Ep3 - Environmental - Hope Channel

This question plagues many people. Apart from a “for the food chain” answer, there is something else we must remember. Originally mosquitoes would have grazed the green pastures of Eden, eating grass—just like the lion, pelican and naked hermit crabs (with no dead shells to live in they were naked, but felt no shame).
The original mosquitoes flew in flocks of four and were made with the intention of providing a soothing quartet of harmony to your ear as you walked through a garden or even for times when one wanted to fall asleep.

Now obviously, and sadly, with the departure from Eden, a sudden change in these once glorious garnishes of creation took place. All that remains now are rude, presumptuous soloists, which you can hear on many summer nights, whining out their monotonic “Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,” like a one-armed person playing a one-string violin.
Also on the topic, it is noted in Genesis that Noah spent quite some time in the ark before the door was opened and all the animals were released to begin their speed dating and multiplying all over the earth. The duration Noah spent in the ark after the rains stopped has traditionally been thought to have been due to the water taking a long time to receed. Not necessarily. I think it’s quite reasonable to assume Noah and Co were actually spending all that time hunting down the two mozzies on board. While lying in bed at night, locked up in the ark, Noah couldn’t just pull out the Mortein to spray a “pssssst” to send them to their spiralling death. We would have lost all manner of nice bugs (such as the lady bug, butterfly and . . . um . . . er . . . I’ll get back to you on any others)! If he could just squish the female, then he knew all of humanity would never again have to hide under a sheet, in the tropical humidity of one’s breath, on a summer night’s flyby.
As we all know, after some months, the search was called off (I hear the armadillos were cranky for running out of moisturiser) and the door was opened. And to this day we have Solo Mosquitoes.