Scott the Mood for Cooking!

I wrote (and 'performed') this script for a guest appearance on a podcast I used to be part of for www.signsofthetimes.org.au

Bon Appétit (whatever that means)

Green eggs and ham: eat it or scram?

The Edge, February 17, 2007

They say ask a silly question, get a silly answer. So I guess if you ask a rhyming silly question you should get a rhyming silly answer:

The question you ask
It is a big task
The Bible’s reasons, we’ll use to unmask

Ham is forbid
And so is squid
Deut 14 explains it, as to a wee kid

About the green eggs
This question still begs
There’s no Bible stance on, that’s got any legs

Should we go eat
For it is not meat
Lawful to dine on, before it goes tweet?

Eggs of the norm
Are OK in form
But will being green, cause one stomach storm?

If egg were eggplant
Like eaten by an aunt
Gen 1:30 says green, would be a fine slant

So what do we do?
We’re in quite a stew
No advice to receive, that we can call true

Abstain I do say
Keep well away
And when we’re in heaven, we will check the buffet

(Dedicated to Kevin Whyte – whose courage is like a flying kite.)
“God is a vegetarian with no ifs and buts – But He desires spiritual fruit, not spiritual nuts!"

How to answer the age-old question, “How are you?”

The Edge, November 4, 2006

A recent study has shown the question “How are you?” is clearly the most commonly asked question by humans. For animals, it was “Shall we sniff?” and computers, “When shall I randomly close this application?”
The “How are you?” question came in oodles ahead of second place “What’s the meaning of life?” and there was a tie for third, “Would you like fries with that?“ and “Do I look fat in this?”

While “How are you?” has many, many answers, here’s a list of the top 50 responses:

• Good
• Fine
• Well
• Terrible
• Pleasant
• Sick
• Not telling
• Do you really want to know?
• Nifty
• Novel
• Nauseous
• Better than you
• Irritable, go away!
• Because I am
• Why do you ask?
• Are you serious
• Speak up
• 65 per cent water
• You tell me
• Mind your own business
• Did you hear that?
• If only I knew
• I have leprosy
• Don’t bother me
• Do I know you?
• Don’t beat around the bush, just say it!
• Who sent you?
• Let’s take this outside
• Not in front of the children
• I beg your pardon
• Do you really, really want to know?
• I didn’t do it
• 5 kg over my goal weight, you?
• Still breathing
• Open to suggestions
• Fighting fit
• Over it
• I could tell you but I’d have to kill you
• I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that
• No speak English
• Can you write that down
• Interesting statement you make
• What a ridiculous thing to ask
• And you kiss your mother with that mouth?
• That came out wrong, didn’t it!
• Craving sweet potato ice-cream
• Signed, sealed and delivered
• Not interested
• Like a duck in the mud
• Do you really, really, reeeeeally want to know?
• You definitely need a Tic-Tac or something because your breath STINKS!

The very first person to ask the question “How are you?” was Adam when he first met Eve. In the Edeenian dialect they spoke, “How are you?” is pronounced “Hubber hubber.” Keep that in mind the next time someone asks you “How you are”!

Did you know: if 6 billion humans said “How are you?“ only once in one day (taking 1 second to say it ), more than 190 years of time would be wasted from the small talk. in this time another billion people would have been born. This time could have been used far more productively playing solitaire. (though a billion births is pretty productive—hey, maybe if we all stopped saying "How are you" that would solve the population problem???)

Buckets of Trouble

A moment of gardening innovation for Scott Wegener led to an afternoon of scientific challenge—and a moment of enlightenment.

Signs of the Times, November 2006
Aussie Stories, 2010Aussie Stories for Blokes, 2013

I had been scheming for weeks about how I could utilise some of the drain-bound water from our unit’s guttering system. There were several rosebushes stranded undercover— never feeling the wet of rain. To avoid the effort of having to water them by hand, I planned to divert some of our gutter water down a pipe and into a large bucket reservoir that would ultimately distribute the water of life to the needy rosebushes. It would be automatic, free and environmentally responsible.

Happy birthday, God!

 RECORD, October 21, 2006

I like having birthdays. You probably do too. Birthdays usually mean a party (I like going to parties). A party usually means presents (I like getting presents), party food (I like party food), birthday cake (I like cake) and games and activities (I like them too!).

Winner: Item or feature that shows most originality

The Australasian Religious Press Association awarded Scott's column, "Scott's Silly Answers" the 2006 "Item or feature that shows most originality"

Yes, we’re being serious here.
The Edge won the Australasian Religious Press Association (ARPA) award for “Item or feature that shows most originality” for Scott’s Silly Answers, a column written by Scott Wegener that provides ridiculous answers to the pressing questions of life.
The award was presented at the annual ARPA Conference, held this year in Adelaide from August 11 to 13.
Scott’s Silly Answers was introduced in the 50th issue of The Edge and replaced the “My Opinion” section. So far, he’s answered questions like why God created mosquitos, how many Weet-Bix it takes to change a light bulb and why toast always lands Marmite-side down.
Mr Wegener says, “I question the merit in being deemed ‘most original’–isn’t that really the judges saying, ‘This has the least resemblance of all the quality work we have been judging’? I’m not sure if I should be offended or delighted. If it’s a good thing, then I am delighted to have been able to help The Edge stand out and be recognised in having gone where no religious publication has reasoned to be a rational place to go.
“However, if it’s a bad thing, then I am deeply offended by having this award hurled at me and The Edge and will gather the rest of my thoughts currently floating somewhere outside the proverbial square and shove them in a box immediately.”

How long is a piece of string?

The Edge, September 23, 2006

This question is usually thrown back at someone to indicate that something can’t be given a definitive answer. But some satisfactory response can actually be given. “Twice half its length,” “measure it and find out,” “don’t go avoiding the topic” and “I asked first,” to name a few.

Theoretically string does have the potential to be an infinite length. Once you reach the end of one piece you can always tie on another and the two become one (no, not in the biblical sense, although, where does string come from?).
This means the piece of string is limited only by the dimensions of the universe. Because the universe does not actually have an end, a piece of string therefore has no limit to its length.

Speaking of space and string, a Mr Ballast Ring once set out to connect the Moon with the Earth via a piece of string. After several years, he was almost there when his stepmother-in-law, Mrs T Wine, came over while he was at work and “most helpfully” rolled it up again—he was understandably ropeable when he got home!

His project, done on a shoestring budget I might add, had many purposes:

1. A cheap form of communication (with Nutolene cans on each end) so astronauts could call their wives to say if they’ll be home late.

2. To make sure the Moon no longer floats out into space (Earth gets a new moon every month—costs us a fortune!).

3. A clothes line for ET’s undies—should he buy some to wear (he could also use it to “phone home”).

Back in Old Testament times, string was used as a weapon of mass destruction (before cotton balls were discovered).

Later on, its use was better realised as an alarm clock—with one end of the string tied to your big toe, a length was unravelled according to what time you wanted to be alerted, then the end furthest from your toe is lit. You’ll know when time’s up!

And now for the definitive answer: string is 20 minutes long—give or take an hour.

Interesting fact: Earth’s first attempt to communicate with outer space was via carrier pigeon. It didn’t work.